the dark underbelly

most things in my life make it wonderful, i have much to be grateful for, but somewhere it also has a dark underbelly.
Most mornings, i hate hate hate to get up; this morning i went to the gym, ate some breakfast, had a shower and still wanted to crawl back to bed! Sometimes I feel incredibly sad, usually it is a disproportionate reaction to something trivial or most times it is seeing things different to what they really are. feeling sad means my heart starts to feel heavy and my lips bend in a frown and they dont ever want to smile again. sometimes the future scares me, sometimes everything scares me. I am dating a guy i dont see very often, i find it very difficult - part of me finds it so difficult i want to break up for that very reason; other times i feel like i am dating a ghost in my head, the details start to fade and imagination starts to take over. i go to the gym, but i feel like it is a mental crutch as much as anything else - i find it difficult to make my own goals and push myself to achieve them, i find it easy to trust someone else to do the right thing by me. my apartment is a mess and i cannot imagine why after so many months, i've still not been able to sort it. i am getting a pup that has been breeded to be good-natured, good-looking and healthy; this fact makes me think deep thoughts about humans. i wish i was better than who i am - smarter, kinder, nicer,a better communicator, more useful, more disciplined, better at taking up the chances that come my way... sometimes a cold wave crashes over me and leaves me wet and with pockets full of sand.
then, eventually, the clouds roll over, and the sun shines again.