Friday, 23 November 2018

Nearing the end of 2018!

Continuing the tradition from:
and the original

1. What makes this year unforgettable?
Last year I learnt that if you see how lucky you are, you become even more lucky… if you don’t feel gratitude, you actively reduce your chances of getting lucky!
This year I learnt that we are all doing the best we can. I mean,
2. What did you enjoy doing this year?
I spent more time with Mummy Papa this year than in any year in the past 15 years. I really enjoyed being part of a family again. What it did for me, I am sure, cannot be said – I think it changed me in my molecules.
And as always, I enjoyed Chicory this year as well.
3. What/who is the one thing/person you’re grateful for?
I am grateful for everyone.
Pradeep and Matt and Sohail. Ingrid. Anjuma.
Kavitha. Dashanka. Seema. Tanu.
Bhai. Saum. Mummy. Papa. Chicory. Aadi. Parul. Puppi Bua. Amma Daddy.
Anubha Di. Mona Di. Everyone. James. Gauri. Brene Brown. Mary Kowal Robinette. Brandon Sanderson. Dan Wells. And their fourth friend.
Michael Wilson. Inoka. Amala. Neil Gaiman. George Saunders. Lin Manuel Miranda.
People whose kindness has meant that I have lived with a sense of hope rather than that of failure. people who had the power to humiliate or inspire, and chose to inspire.
I hope the best of health and happiness for all of them.
4. What’s your biggest win this year?
I became more me.

5. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?
I am always listening to audiobooks and podcasts, and cannot remember anything beyond 3 or 4 months ago.
In that Design Matters. Writing Excuses. Everything by Brene Brown.
6. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?
a. Finances b. Career c. Finding a partner.
Got better. Did not get resolved.

7. What was your biggest regret and why?
  • I didn’t make the most of joining University. I didn’t pass my exams. (This was a repeat of not doing well when I worked in Delhi, so it made my regret even worse.)
  • I don’t take C out for walks enough at all. (This time will have a huge impact on how he will be when he grows old and how long he lives!)
8. What’s one thing that changed about yourself?
As I said earlier, I became more me.

9. What surprised you the most this year?
Much like that poster during the feminist march, I am slightly surprised that I am still working on solving the same fucking shit!
no partner, no permanent promotion, and still in a bit of a financial soup!!

And that we are all doing the best we can. Including me.

10. If you could go back to last January 1, what suggestions would you give your past self?
If I knew then what I know now:
  • Firstly, I’d clear my exams.
  • Secondly, I’d get far more serious about 30 minutes of exercise each day.
And finally, for next year,
  • I need to find a simple 5 minutes something, something that resonates with me. (And that would mean that I will be at peace when I am left alone with my thoughts.)

Wednesday, 21 November 2018

Shitty First Draft

An idea out Brene Brown's Rising Strong, shitty first draft is the first emotional response to something wrong.

maybe this has no business of going up online, but maybe it does. who decides?

I missed a lunch I had organised, I missed a conference I had signed up for. I missed the lunch because of an unfortunately phone call from the bank, and having too much going on - trying to finish a piece of work before the 3pm meeting. I missed the conference, because I was trying to finish the same piece of work, I had just returned from a holiday with early mornings all the way thru, and my phone had broken down and needed fixing and Apple did not make it easy.

Anyway, I don't know what to think.

I don't know how to process this.

What is the story? Am I an idiot? I am a fuckwit and it is so fucking embarrassing! Do I not know how to prioritise and make things happen? Do people hate me and not want me in their team? Are THEY setting me up for failure? Do these things just happen? This doesn't happen to A, B and C! She would NEVER do this!

I do not know who to blame. I do not know how to change.

I do not know, right now, how to deal with a shitty first draft. All I really want for one day is to sleep in and read and watch TV, while something falls into place - but I feel awful for wanting that! I don't believe these people - these Ariana Huffingtons and Brene Browns - who talk about sleeping, and taking a holiday, and all of that, while for years upon years, they were slaves to getting shit done - and now once people think they are amazing, they decide to preach about creativity and holidays and play and shit! I am not an A type - and I want in - except these A types and going on about how that is not such a good idea... without offering ANYTHING in return. And, even when I try I am not able to be A type!

now this really was a shitty first draft! 


Wednesday, 14 November 2018

No Feeling is Final

1. There is a story I tell myself about my life:

The people I studied and grew up with have gone on to buy houses and have babies who turned into toddlers who have now turned into primary school kids about to start middle school. I am pretty much where I was when I left uni.
The people I joined work with have gone on to get a few promotions. I am pretty much where I was when I first joined.
The people I worked on projects with (and here I am fairly convinced we did pretty much a similar amount of work) have gone on to get a couple of promotions. I am pretty much where I was when I was working on those projects with me.
Housemates, ex-partners, and everyone else have gone on to have issues, and overcome issues and - and I feel like I am exactly where I always was!

I can't even seem to be able to leave Canberra, or stop being a fucking number cruncher. I don't even so much as get a bonus or a pat on my back!! (nor does anyone else in my team, but that is not part of my story!)

2. I was at this meeting, where someone was getting frustrated at me and I remember about 2 other people smiling at me - their expressions were identical, so I suspect they were mirroring me, but I cannot remember what I was looking like/feeling - was I amused by the unreasonable frustration or was I hurt by it? it is an interesting puzzle and I don't think anyone else remembers it now, or cared about it then!

3. When the sun shines, when it feels like nothing is happening, that is when the clouds are being made, the rain just happens!!   

4. But while right now, frustration is what I am feeling... no feeling is final.

Monday, 5 November 2018

Be You and Treat People as People

These days when I am about to write an email or say something - I stay me.
Earlier, I used to think what's the spin my boss would want on this? Will I look like an idiot for saying this? doing this? being this? Will I make the other person look like an idiot? What would Gandhi/BeyoncĂ© do?
Now I don't.
Now, firstly, I think:
what's going on here? what do I think about this?
 and I write up the first draft email
Then, I think,
am I being clear and kind?
then I edit and send it!
The second thing is People are not means to an end! Now, I am not networking with people, they fail you anyway!! Now, I am usually simply try to be curious about people! Not always easy, some people do have access to more information and opportunities that it is hard not to see them and wish that they would also send them your way.. but I try.

The other thing

The other thing that is really going on in my life right now is that I have got debts and Papa hates that I have debts!! So instead of financial planning (which I didn't do earlier because I had no time) I panic pay bills... which is not what should be going on at all!!

PS: Sometimes I need to sleep with C touching me. Yesterday was that kind of day. He was a bit hot in the upstairs room, but I insisted. he got it. I genuinely sleep better with C touching, and I wake up without aches and pains. I. can't. even.

Wednesday, 31 October 2018


I stumbled upon, very recently, on a lovely little book* that was a balm for my weary, anxious and slightly cynical soul. It was hopeful in a way that did not diminish the feelings behind our anxieties, didn't rationalise it, didn't romanticise it either. And it was just the thing to listen to at night when the logic is nightmarish and all I want is to hug my dog and have someone like Lin-Manuel Miranda saying in my ears, "I hear you! But it will work out because you are just where you need to be!" And really, how can anyone argue against that?

And that got me started, well actually, no, this is another whack in the bush** as I am making`` my way...  Earlier to this was Brene Brown saying that we are ALL doing our best, which meant that for me to do better something had to change. Somehow the way that idea is playing out in my life is that I have become more me - I used to think I will have to become more of one person if I wanted to succeed or I aspired to become more of another because gosh they are everything I'd like to be. But. I AM doing the best I can - I CAN NOT become anybody else, but I can do whatever I am doing with a bit more confidence without constantly second-guessing myself - knowing pretty well that I am doing the best I can.

And this is part 2 or 5 or 10, I am not sure, but these ideas of being hopeful that L-M M is talking about - feels like another piece of the puzzle has just found its home. Its early days, I will find a way to absorb these ideas... I am starting to think that hopefulness is the birth place of creativity (which is much nicer and true-r than saying necessity is the mother of invention), if I am hopeful about my life I will find creative ways to make it what I need it to be.

*Lin-Manuel Miranda's GMorning, GNight! Little Pep Talks for Me and You
**you have done bush walking, you know what I mean, don't you? you have to move the branches out of your face and make some room to move...
``Quite literally 'making' my way.

Tuesday, 9 October 2018


everybody, including me, is doing the best they can.
Brene Brown in Rising Strong.

And elsewhere:
If we ignore the stuff we can't see, we'll go thru life thinking that trees are only these inverted spoon shaped things.

And so:
There is more to us than our conscious intent, and therefore, even tho it is not intuitive, we are all doing the best we can. including me.  

Monday, 29 January 2018

much love

Today I entirely crashed, and I missed my folks in the grounding kind of way that keeps me going. I read something that I really enjoyed, "Caring too much about what people think is useless, most people don't even know what think of themselves", I think it can be easily be extended to "most people don't even know what they think themselves." But, irrespective, I am sure it is one of the things I needed to hear. I am kind of crashed today, somehow somewhere I had this insane amount of doubt if I would ever get where I want to be. Does anyone get where they want to be? How does it feel to be there? Does it feel that good?

I don't know and today I felt like I really really did not want to get out of bed. There is so much going on in our minds, there is food, there is sleep, there are people, there are vision boards, there are goals, there are hormones, there is family, there is Chicory, there is daylight, there is exercise, there are the books we read, there are the shows we watch! Boy, who is to know why I am in such a funk and how am i to get out of it. Did I catch it? from the friend who called me because she is getting separated?

I don't want to go to work, I don't want to meet people there, I don't want to prove anything to anyone, and I just want a fucking promotion with a bit more money - I am tired of taking initiative... anyho, I am sure as weather changes so will this...

much love