Thursday, 29 May 2008

the roller coaster that is life!

A week or so ago, it was a weird time in my life. I was at the verge of depression, clinical depression. Which is bizarre because I have a very cool job, I work for/with wonderful people, I have a very supportive family, I have awesome friends, I am in no financial difficulty. But there it is, I was going through what is very close to clinical depression.

In fact, thanks to my research training, I do not/cannot say anything that is not verifiable using independent measurable parameters. So tho I knew that something wasn’t right with me, I had to go to the Beyond Blues initiative to first figure out what is depression, you know, just in case I had it?

I came across a diagnostic manual which I am not reproducing because of limited space.

But I basically fit in with what they expected…

Well, it wasn’t 2 weeks really but for a while I had been depressed-like, I am not really sure how you define it… and yes I was lacking interest in a lot of things… My mind was racing nearly all the time and I thought people didn’t really want to talk to me… they were all just being polite, because they did not really want to hurt me.

I also satisfied conditions mentioned:
1 – depressed mood… CHECK
2 - less interest… CHECK
3 – weight loss… well it was definitely appetite loss partly CHECK
4 – Sleeping difficulty… Oh Goodness CHECK!! I was walking up 5 times a night with a startle.
5 – Tiredness… CHECK
7 – Feeling worthless… CHECK
8 – Difficulty concentrating… Again a BIG BIG CHECK! I just couldn’t work!
9 – Thoughts of death… not there totally, not more than normal… so I don’t know if I am always close to depression or I was normal at this front…

But you get the idea, right?

I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t getting work done because I just could not concentrate and I was feeling quite useless because of that!

Anyway, this turned COMPLETELY around one evening as I lay/sat in bed and I saw the head lights from a car in the street pass thru my room. Just so that you can visualize it, when I am sitting in bed my back is towards this big window. In front of the window is a fairly quiet street and only a couple of cars pass thru the night. Anyway, I had the blinds open, so when the car passed the light reflected against the white walls and flashes right on my face as I sit or lie in bed. Or something like that, you know, a car passes quite quickly.

Anyway, I am sitting in bed, thinking that there has to be some way to pull myself out of this depression, because there is no reason to be depressed really! And this light flashes on my face, and in a flash (quite literally!) I get it!

You see, this light totally woke me up but before I could even see how on earth does the light flash on my face, it was gone without a sound or a trace!

The car lights had been waking me up in the middle of the night, by the time I woke up they would be gone! I obviously was sleeping bad, which meant that I was also losing my appetite, which also meant that I couldn’t concentrate, which meant that I felt there was something totally wrong with me, which totally made me feel useless!

Ah people! Such is life! Needless to say, I ensure the blinds are totally shut now.


Vikram said...

Congratulations Girl!

Go bask in the glory of your conquest of this beast called depression.

To have beaten it once, all on your own, with pretty much nobody else's help means you'll never ever have to worry about it again.

Oh! and I was not trying to be polite. Ever.

neha said...

Thanks Bhai! :D

Gee, I think it's a pretty exciting life I am living... weirdness leads me and/or follows me!!

and my world is nice for you being a part of it! you, of course, knew that.

Mukta said...

oh, i am so glad you got hold of yourself. It can just spiral out of control. But you be safe, happy, and healthy. :-) time to forget about the blinds, open the windows, and let the sunshine come pouring through!