I realised I had been feeling rather discontent today. And took me a minute to realise that's because of the money.
Got a salary of 3800, of which 1800 is mortgage, 500 is electricity bill, 500 is rates, technically 500 should go to Papa for daily expenses and 500 to return Tanu's monies.. and that leaves me with ZERO dollars! Its like I just haven't been able to stop worrying about money - in SUCH A LONG TIME!
What am I good at? What comes easy to me but not to other people? What do I find interesting enough that it is not boring? What should I do more of?
I was looking up annual reports - Productivity Commission and MDBA's and a couple of things jumped out: the Productivity Commission has Environment and Water centre. And I really want to cold call these guys and get a secondment for a year.
I should read the reports they produce..
I've been feeling a bit, well, depressed recently - and the very fact that I can write this now, means that it has gotten better - but it has been hard getting out of the bed lately.. it's been hard going to sleep as well.. I know the words I start using when things are looking glum.. I remember reading a while ago that burn out isn't a lot of work, it is when we aren't achieving anything.
this lack, is it in the world, or in us? are we blindfolding ourselves or is the light really out?
it's been more than three months since my birthday, and the cards said to choose what i really want to do, i still haven't had a chance to do that.. what does life full of love and inspiration look like for me?
He was unimaginably brave and generous and kind from the very beginning and right till the end. I did not deserve him, for when can anyone deserve a grace so pure and playful. I will always be grateful to him and to the Universe for him. I am truly grateful to Hanumanji for keeping him safe and loved now, and whenever I remember Hanumanji, I know Chicory is close by.
Death feels so big and permanent, it feels like it overshadows life itself. I feel like I should make a note of his last days while they are still fresh in my mind. That his abdomen started to fill with fluid weeks before and I kept saying, hold on a bit longer, Papa will be here and then you will get the care you need. And he held on. On the night before he was sleeping in his bed in the drawing room, as was usual I went in and tucked him in his blanket, and as was often the case near the end, he knew this chapter was coming to an end, he looked at me to say, I hope you know these are the precious last days. I wish I could have got him to sleep in the bed with me, but Anagh and mummy were also sleeping in the bed with me and I couldn't. There were so many things that I could have done better, cared for him a bit more, these I regret but I also know my love was small like the weeds on the beach and the Universal Love where he is now is like the big tidal wave that clears it all out. I know if C could look at me now, he'd say oh don't worry, I am SO HAPPY, SO LOVED, SO COMFORTABLE right now, there is NO discomfort, no Fear, nothing but Love, it doesn't matter what you were or weren't able to do. it doesn't compare. And I wish I could hug him again and let him go. Death feels so big and permanent. There's no coming back for one more hug. Tho, he did come back. He came back as the magpie who visited when I returned after the cremation - I know it was him, just the way I knew when he got into the car that he will probably not come back that day. Because the doctors had given up on him long ago and if I was taking him back to the doctors that meant that I was out of options as well. Because it was Ganesh Chaturthi and it was a good day to die.
Right now Anagh is about 8 months old and learning something called object permanence, i.e., the understanding that whether an object can be sensed has no effect on whether it continues to exist. This is a fundamental concept studied in the field of developmental psychology, the subfield of psychology that addresses the development of young children's social and mental capacities. There is not yet scientific consensus on when the understanding of object permanence emerges in human development.. It seems like I am learning about object permanence of my own. The Gita says,
na jaayate' mriyate' vaa kadaachin naayam bhuthva bhavithaa na bhooyah: / ajo nithyah saasvato'yam puraano na hanyate' hanyamaane' sareere'
The Spirit is neither born nor does it die at any time. It does not come into being or cease to exist. It is unborn, eternal, permanent, and primeval. The Spirit is not destroyed when the body is destroyed. (2.20)
vaasaamsi jeernaani yathaa vihaaya navaani gr.hnaathi naro' paraani / thathaa sareeraani vihaaya jeernany-anyaani samyaathi navaani de'hi
Just as a person puts on new garments after discarding the old ones, similarly, the living entity or the individual soul acquires new bodies after casting away the old bodies. (2.22)
avyaktho' yam achinthyo' yam avikaaryo' yam uchyate' / thamaad e'vam vidhithvainam naanusochitum-arhasi
The Spirit is said to be unexplainable, incomprehensible, and immutable. Knowing the Spirit as such, you should not grieve for the physical body. (2.25)
jaathasya hi dhruvo mr.thyur dhr.uvam janma mr.thasya cha / thasmaad aparihaarye'rthe' na thvam sochithum-arhasi
All beings are unmanifest, or invisible to our physical eyes, before birth and after death. They manifest between the birth and the death only. What is there to grieve about? (2.28)
It is book week and that's how I stumbled across a little kid dressed as Paddington Bear with the tag round his neck, Please look after this bear. Thank you.
My mum often says to my little baby, छोटे बच्चे को तो सब पारी करते हैं। छोटे बच्चे को तो कोई तंग नहीं करता। and it is hard to translate it exactly in English - little babies are only to be loved by everybody, nobody is ever mean/annoying to the little baby. And then when that baby grows up, I guess, people who love and have loved that baby still hope - that they never lose that innocence that trust in the world and nobody is ever mean to them...
When I first left home, that was the big thing for me - at home, I had always been safe, I was wanted and loved, and if I needed care, I was cared for. Oh it wasn't perfect, there was enough screaming and yelling but at the heart of it, I knew I was wanted and loved.
When I left home, I went to my uncle and auntie's house to the other side of the globe - and I was no longer wanted, I was trespassing*, and I had to grow the fuck up and behave like an adult and earn my keep - while everyone else in that house was wanted and loved and had to do nothing of the sort. And that is what is hard about leaving home, that loss of innocence. I think that is why I am SO PROTECTIVE of Chicory against all my family, and I think that is also one of the reasons why I am still not married - because I still haven't been able to heal myself from that betrayal/trauma.
They had a chance to be kind and they chose to give me the silent treatment (my aunt) or scream and yell (my uncle) and honestly, they were not always horrible - they just made sure that I never knew when either of them was going to blow up, and to make sure that I was never really comfortable or relaxed. Personally, I need to make sense of that, heal that child that left home, because until I do that I will never let myself be that vulnerable to anyone new ever again.
In the meantime, for all the Paddington Bears are out there**, and here's hoping that we, just like their Aunty asked us to, Please look after this bear. Thank you.
*my uncle had a habit of collecting strays (whether or not they were strays) and my aunty had a habit of resenting every one of us and making sure that each one of us knew that we were not wanted there. They did it Boozo the dog, who ran away.. they did it me, who tried running away.. and then they also did it to my grandparents, who also ran away.. as long as they could, anyway.
**who are all those children in Gaza..
Dad's here. He picked up on the fact that C is really quite sick. And gave AJ the space to get familiar with him. And recognised that I am stressed about work.
And home is feeling like home to both Ma and me! And C obviously! And I am sure to AJ as well!
What a blessing Dad is! May the Universe protect and keep him safe always!!
