5 things

There is much that is going well in life - obviously - but here are a few lists:

5 things that are bumming me no end:

1. The results from the US election - bumming me more than it should, given how little I can do anything about it
2. Money: That I don't have a double income family, and that limits my options on what I can afford to buy..  the sense, and hopefully it is completely wrong, I get is Bhai hasn't invested his finances as well as he could have and I don't understand how he, or for that matter Papa, are budgeting! They seem to be in some kind of denial and don't want to talk about it - and I don't know how to talk about it either.. I wish, I wish that we had words to talk about budgets, and have like, say, 5 major kinds of budgets and then techniques to tweak these. 
3. that the apartment is a mess and I don't have an answer, I can't seem to be able to EVER fix it! I really don't know what I am doing wrong, do I not have the energy, or what is wrong with me!?! the apartment!?! 
4. that Chicory is being weirdly clingy right now.. and it is my fault because he doesn't get his routine, his walks but I don't have a good answer.. but every time he interrupts me while I am trying to do my work, I don't react very nicely. 
5. that Mummy isn't here, and that instead of her Papa is coming - I'm grateful that Papa can come and I'm grateful that Mummy has had her knee fixed now and she is working towards full recovery, but it would have been so much fun if she would have been here now. We would have cleaned the house, done some nice shopping, and bought the new house.
6. Borrowing money from Papa - quite a significant amount too! I hope it doesn't create problems for their budget. I really wish we knew how to speak about money in our family.

so, in summary, messy money, messy house, and a world that is hell bent on creating problems instead of solving them! less time and energy and more things that need them both! 

5 things that I am grateful for:

1. So many things, but let's not jinx them.. so 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. 

5 goals that I need to achieve:

1. Eat food
2. Prepare work document 
3. Clean house

What race am I on?

Sometimes in the last week, I turned 43 and the embryo turned 12 weeks old...  

I have fewer symptoms now than I previously did.. but struggling to do as much as I used to be able to and then struggling with what it means.. 

am i slowing down? is it acceptable to me that I am slowing down? what race am I on? I had said to myself that I would be happy to get the promotion that I have got - but now, I still want to use these opportunities.. and sometimes my energy just gives up on me. 

PS: One thing that would make my life significantly easier would be if I learnt how to use the timer on the heater.. Would make sleeping and waking up considerably easier!!

Overwhelmed

Why am I feeling overwhelmed?

• not having as much energy as before - like very significantly less, so much more fatigue
• not being able to see as clearly - booked to get my eyes tested tomorrow
• trying to declutter the house so I can get it evaluated
• work is weird - can't seem to make progress.. constant feeling of missing the train.. giving up
• worried about pregnancy - that the baby is found healthy at the 20 week scan in August.  
• worried about money - not as much money as that I budgeting properly. Especially, not doing my taxes and buying too much insurance.. and not enough.. 
• worried about being able to buy a house on a block of land..

what is the one thing I can do to ease my overwhelm?

• list them up.. 
• book times with experts - Dennis/Molly/Gemma
• Gemma - need to collect documents and articulate questions. Superannuation, Insurance.
• be kind to myself and others
• when I go down rabbit holes I shouldn't because what I should be doing is too hard.

And when I finished writing this, the one thing that I don't know why I didn't list in my worries - Mummy having a knee replacement surgery - mummy reacted to the anaesthesia, and that was scary, and we got lucky and feeling really blessed that Ma is alright. So, that goes on to show you!

This year Amma died.

I am about to turn 42 in another fortnight. 

This year 

Amma died. 10 minus 2 weeks ago on 24 April, in her sleep. Daddyji says he heard her wake up in the middle of the night and start chanting Om. But how do I remember her date of passing, down to the week? The date because I looked it up, but weeks since her passing because she died the same morning I was having the eggs retrieval procedure in Sydney.  And now I am nearly 10 weeks pregnant. 

I am scared to talk about my pregnancy - you don't get to 42 without having gone thru some weird times yourself or hearing about friends having difficult times during their pregnancies.. I think the odds are still that I should be okay, the baby will be okay. 

But to take my mind off that, I am getting back to buying a new property. What is making my mouth water is that while houses in gandaroo cost 1.5 million dollars, you can get a 2000+ block of land for about $500k. Nothing like having one thing to obsess over to stop from obsessing over another thing. 

Work is feeling a bit rough. I think it is a constant feeling of picking yourself up again after having a knockdown. why do i say that? because the deadlines are stupid, and so you are constantly rushing and you never feel like you succeed. i am definitely burnt out - or just tired - or burnt out. 

in the meantime, the first step to getting the mortgage is to get the apartment decluttered. and after weeks and weeks of unbelievable pregnancy-first-trimester fatigue, I was actually able to do things yesterday. Did quite a lot of house work yesterday in spite of waking up around 10 or 11am.. can't remember. pretty much didn't stop till 3.30pm, not even for a coffee, definitely not for a meal. 

So will I talk about Amma's passing? That her passing blessing for her favourite grandkid was to help her get pregnant? That after days of living with a sense of dread that I hadn't recorded her voice, she sang for me in my dream? That I am relieved that she doesn't have to wait for someone to take her to the toilet? That I am pissed off that Daddyji didn't let her move to Balwyn where Mama could have taken better care of her - where Daddyji is right now, getting better food, and hopefully not getting scream at by Mama and not being at the receiving end of whatever toxic stuff Mami does.

Will I talk about how I really need to heal my wounds from staying at Melbourne... too heavy a bag to carry. Hurt people hurt people. 

I feel alone, so many things would have been easier if I had a reasonable enough partner. Getting pregnant, buying a house, being able to afford a good house on a good block of land. I have started saying to myself that for my dreams, goals, I get help from the Universe - not from any person, the Universe. And as long as I have that, I will be okay, I will be safe. 

I will be safe, Chicory is safe, baby is safe, Mummy and Papa are safe.

Mummy is going for her knee replacement surgery today. tests today. surgery tomorrow. i wish i was there. I can't be because no one can take care of C while I go. 

Writing ideas for 2023

1. Some of my favourite things that I have sourced from an op shop and have received from friends. and would like to source from an op-shop.  
2. How to budget across different phases and what I learnt about debt. 

Injections and IVF

This morning I put two injections in myself, on the belly, by putting an icepack to numb the area and then pinching my belly. The first injection went okay, the second created a pin prick. This is, I think, the 7th day of injecting myself but the first where I had to inject twice. I think there might be 8 days, in all, of two injections. So, about 15 days of injections*, I think?

I started off scared of needles - not a phobia, just scared of them - I still turn my head during a blood test. So, what I am doing now, really impresses me. I marvel at what an incredible human I am, I am genuinely awed by that person becoming this person because she decided that this thing had to be done. Not to say that I am not relieved when the injection is done that I won't have to do this again for 24 hours. Not to say that I don't look at those injection and always chuckle at thought of how I had always imagined baby making - a lot more fun and moaning with satisfaction. But given where life has brought me, I am thrilled that I have an option of making my own baby without having to find a husband - I mean just think about that. Not finding a husband just means that - not finding a husband, it does not mean anything else. It doesn't mean that I won't have a family or a baby. And right there, I am so impressed with you, World. Like, can you believe it? Even novels and fiction hasn't caught up with you - you are so incredible! 

I am also less exhausted - after months and months of not exercising etc. so I could try and work more and get things done - because the work was important, the work was difficult, and my experience didn't go far enough, and there were no people in my team and because this was an OPPORTUNITY - Chicory got sick and I dropped the ball. And now, while I am doing things, I also realise I can't do things and they fall all over the place. And that is just how it is. 

*these are hormonal injections, and luckily for me, Papa is here and so eating well and generally feeling safe and hormonal side-effects aren't being experienced.

    

Exhausted

It has been 13 months of living in the past 3 months and I am tired. I want to sleep. I want more space in my house. I think I know what I'll do*. I am a bit sick of Australia because I don't have a husband - why do I not have a husband?

C got so sick last week. The vets are great at taking care of the dog but horrible at communicating - basically told me that C, well you know. So, I called Papa and he came within 48 hours, he was here. How lucky am I!! But I really wish there was a husband who could have taken care of me. 

I am going to try for IVF with a sperm donor - the donor is a physio turned doctor, who with his wife, has had a baby with a donor egg. I like that story. I wish I had a husband like that - or that my kid would have a father like that. Maybe they would - once they turn 18 - but hopefully they'll have something better. 

Work has been --- unrelenting. I wish I never Sonya again in my life - didn't help that when I had 5 to 10 minutes to actually resolve things with her, Belinda jumped in. Fuck it and I hate it. Spoke to a psychologist today thru the Employee Assistance Program today. And it led me to do exercise today for about 15 minutes because I realised that in spite of work and Chicory, nothing is going to happen if I don't take care of myself.  So I turned on the Nike Training App and did some stretching and core exercises in front of the TV. Felt really good.    

I am suddenly thinking about the big things - birth and death, and doing things when the only option is to do them the hard way. I want to buy a house walking distance from the beach. I was already keeping myself awake at night worrying about buying a house and doing well at work... burying the thinking about IVF and single motherhood and children of single mums when C got sick. I love C so much that he is the one person I am not angry with. I am angry with Seema for keeping poison in her backyard on top of a table that Chicory ate half a box of and killed his liver. I am angry that I never got to go for a three day walk to think thru all the hard things but instead got plunged into even harder things. I am angry that I do not have a husband to buy a house with, and I don't have a husband to be there for me when my dog gets sick and I need support. 

I sometimes repeat to myself that I don't want to live - I think even when no one hears me my heart does. And I have been making it sick for the past ten years by repeating that to myself. Now, I think of my heart as a little girl I once was - and I tell her I love her, I love her just as much as I love Chicory. 

There are things I am not telling you about yet: how I started to clean this apartment up when c got sick and again that has stalled. Why? What is the story that I am telling myself? And how I have put an evil eye glass pendant on Chicory's neck because I am sick of people saying nice things about him and him getting more and more sick. And how the house that I can afford near the beach will be an area where most people are not young. I think that is not true, just something someone living in St. Kilda would say. And how my bedroom looks worse than it did when I was a teenager or pretty much at any stage of my life because it is TOO SMALL and changing furniture is too hard because of the billion steps!

I think once I get pregnant, I will move to SA and rent this apartment out. I am more than tired of feeling like all my hard work is going waste, which isn't true.  

*I want a 700sqm block walking distance from the beach. I want it in January.