25

1. I am struggling to focus at work, I am being the exact opposite of safe-hands, I have forgotten what I have ever done well - did not help that Julianne gave me such a horrible mid-year review and while consciously I have overcome that, emotionally I am still stuck at it. It has been weeks since I have done anything good and productive at work. 
2. I have booked an Employee Assistance Program appointment to help manage Paul. I am also trying to book an in-person appointment with EAP for myself.
3. Money is less of a worry at the moment, I guess because I have accepted that it is going to fly occasionally.
4. Garden is making me very happy at the moment. I have ideas and more clarity than before. Speaking to Michael Wilson was great, he gave me some great advice about what to do next.. I am hoping to speak to a landscape designer to get a sense of where the storage and dining space can go. we need a lot of storage - for bicycles, maybe canoe, for suitcases, extra shopping etc and then gardening tools as the bedrooms are small.. 
5. I feel like I am self-sabotaging that I am not doing what I must do and I am feeling utterly miserable about the whole thing.. I know what I need to do, I just need to focus and put on my 5 minute timers. I know that what I am facing is a VERY COMMON PROBLEM.
6. Got ourselves a bench for a shoes and hats and for sitting down for the hall. I am thrilled how well it will help with the flow of the house and how I will not have to bite my tongue about anyone putting their shoes anywhere or on the carpet where Anagh plays.
7. Life sucks and I hate it. Nobody is ever going to love me. things my inner critic says - so patently untrue. I just googled that, 'why does my inner critic say blatant lies so loudly?' and the AI actually gave a good answer. I am pasting that at the bottom of this page. The links are pretty excellent too. 
8. Mummy and Papa are wonderful. I begged them to let me have my desk space and not keep walking into it so I could start working and finding focus again and they have done that now. It only took them 3 days to get a hang of what I was asking for. I am so grateful. Also, Mummy and Papa deal with all the extra washing of clothes and dishes - which is a lot. 
9. Claire called today - she was asking for 'a hook' in the legislation - heaven knows what she meant! I shared the document that I had written and apparently it answered her questions and she thanked me. We might be more similar than we realise - early promise, not quite realised, middle aged with some inner daemons that have only gotten stronger over the years. We are both really insecure. Unlike, Ema and Cassie? I think. 
10. This is my journal, and I am going to write 25 thoughts because then I can start working. I am getting a bit fed up with my own procrastination.
11. The GEMs job, they are referee checking Cass but Tumi hadn't heard from anyone. I ..well..  hard to put what my brain and gut are fighting over in words. guess the idea is just to wait and see what happens. 
12. Admin tasks that I am also procrastinating: tax return and updating mummy papa health insurance and car insurance to include Papa in the drivers list. 
13. Admin tasks that I have done: paid bills, organised the payment of my road fine. bloody hell, I missed my physio appointment yesterday - SO SO SO BUMMED about that! I had been counting down to it for weeks!! No one to blame but myself. 
14. I think if I die today and there was an epitaph for me on my gravestone, this would be it - no one to blame but myself. But i can honestly say that if i die today and there is one thing you could tell Anagh about his mum it would be - she chose the bigger life. 
15. Anagh's passport form - urgh - it has got stuck somewhere in the mail. i posted a tracked mail and lost the tracking number - what an idiot!! will have to do all of it again, if it doesn't reach Tanu this week.. 
16. What does successful look like for the slide deck that I am starting to produce? Thought I'll talk to Ingrid or Meryl about it but got pulled into this whole other admin-y type 
17. And then into phone chats and looking for food kind of thingy.. 
18. I am going to hurry this up and get on with the job. I really do need to finish this Menindee issues question and then get into a habit of delivering work fast.
19. the thing is read doc A, and read doc B, and rewrite doc B to flow from doc A.. 
20. ..
21. ,,
22. fjdj
23. dfkdaslkj
24. uereyrueyuasjf
25. that's it. 

Decoding the Inner Critic's Origins and Purpose | Psychology Today Australia

Your inner critic says blatant lies loudly because it is not acting as a rational judge of truth, but rather as a primitive, fear-based survival mechanism designed to "protect" you from emotional pain, rejection, or failure. It shouts in extreme, distorted, and irrational ways to command your attention and keep you within your comfort zone. 

Here is a breakdown of why this happens, based on psychological research:

Why It Lies (The "Protection" Mechanism)

• Preventing Future Pain: The critic believes that by harshly criticizing you, it is protecting you from making mistakes, being embarrassed, or experiencing failure.
• "Staying Small" for Safety: The voice often tries to keep you small or hidden to prevent you from being judged, abandoned, or rejected by others.
• Unresolved Past Pain: A loud inner critic is often rooted in past distress, trauma, or childhood, where you may have internalized the harsh criticisms of caregivers or peers.
• Cognitive Distortions: The critic uses "all-or-nothing" thinking (e.g., "If I fail this, I'm a total failure") or "catastrophizing," which are irrational, exaggerated patterns of thought. 

Why It Is So Loud

• Fear-Based Urgency: The brain’s threat system is activated, releasing cortisol and making the voice feel urgent and intense to force a "fight-or-flight" response.
• Habitual Thinking: The critic is a long-standing, habitual mental pattern that has become the default mode for handling stress, making it feel loud and unstoppable.
• Misinterpreted Internalization: The voice may sound like a loud, abusive authority figure from your past, making it feel more authoritative than your own rational thoughts. 

Common "Blatant Lies" It Tells

• "If you aren't hard on yourself, you'll become lazy": This convinces you that self-criticism is necessary for productivity, when it actually causes burnout.
• "You are a burden to others": This lie isolates you by making you fear that connecting with people will bring them down.
• "This one mistake means you are fundamentally flawed": The critic equates a single, momentary action with your entire identity. 

How to Handle It

• Recognize and Name It: Identify the critic as a "separate" voice (e.g., "Oh, there's my 'Destroyer' voice again") to create emotional distance.
• Fact-Check the Voice: Challenge the lie by asking, "Is this actually true?" or "What evidence do I have against this?".
• Treat Yourself Like a Friend: Ask if you would say these things to a loved one. If not, don't say them to yourself.
• Use Self-Compassion: Shift from trying to "fight" the voice (which makes it fight back harder) to treating yourself with kindness, which reduces the threat response. 

The inner critic is a misaligned survival tool; its goal is safety, but its method is destructive. 

Trees and Books and Art

 

My son is so incredibly beautiful and bright and loud and opiniated and empathic and vulnerable. Chicory was also very beautiful and incredibly large-hearted and generous and unbelievably brave and vulnerable and so warm. I am grateful for these two souls choosing me. 

I need to be writing my CV and my statement of claims for job applications, and I am sitting here, my heart breaking over the people and souls who chose me and those who didn't. Those who I chose and those that I wasn't able to. 

Half my life is over and there are things that I might never be able to do again or do at all..

• Rock-climbing*
• .. in the himalayas*
• falling in love, gently**
• growing old together**
• pottery and making art*
• having a beautiful garden*..   

So many things I cannot thank the Universe enough for:

• all those years where it was just Chicory and me, and Heather and Kavi and Canberra - how can i ever thank the Universe enough for those years? 
• and Ingrid and Tanu
• my baby and my mum together
• my parents and me
• my house not so far from the beach
• my brother who i get along with in a good comfortable way
• 
  

*still possible, right?

** maybe?

Thoughts

Claire has a way of making everyone in the room feel more stupid - and it's not because she is smart, it's because she speaks in a way that is unclear but her tone is like what she is saying is obvious. 

I was looking at my history of job applications and maybe I do need to leave MDBA.. I really really want to.

I took Chicory off my wall papers on my phone - nearly 6 months on and it struck me suddenly while driving the car alone that he will never again be my co-pilot and I will never get to hug him again and I realised that I can't keep the grief so fresh - I think he needs to be able to go as well.. 

My wall paper now says, 'It is already yours - Universe' - which is good because I don't know how I

• will return the money I owe Tanu $20k and Mama $15k
• will get a promotion at work
• have a garden like I want it
• have financial security like I want it
• get fit again - I am currently carrying at least 30k of fat and got pelvic girdle issues and a core that feels like water..  
• have a partner? the kind I want? this seems particularly impossible right now.. like not only do I not know how to do this, it is way too late and just impossible for such a person to exist.. where as other things feel really really hard. 

Anagh is teething, he is an absolute champ... I am trying to find rest where I can, and so is Mummy.. and so is Papa.. Christmas break was good but very tiring. I don't think Bhai really understands how short of cash I am, and Mummy really drove me up the wall by insisting that I pay every time I am I was around. And Vicky and Roopam and their 20 dollar presents! I mean fuck off arseholes! I don't know why I expect them to do better.. it's not like they are filling my treasure troves, it won't really make any difference.. I don't need their gifts.. 

Madhu Didi and Rajinder Jajaji are visiting in Feb, I think.. Tanu is coming for a weekend in Feb as well.. and then, Daddyji is coming for longer.. and just that fact feels very tiring. Nobody is feeling at home.. I hope Anagh is feeling at home.    

Time will pass anyway

• On Books

Just finished listening to Brene Brown's Strong Ground - apart from one thing that I didn't agree with* - I really enjoyed the book. She consults the companies at cutting edge technology and she is talking about what it takes to succeed in the current environment. I'll work on those skills. I'll also work on trying to get those things for Anagh - especially, reading books and playing in the wild. 

Currently listening to Jacinda Ardern's A Different Kind of Power and realising that all one can do is make the best next choice and have a vision and somehow the path will appear? being focused on the path is not very useful. Also, JA's father was born of his mother's extra-marital affair but his non-biological father loved him anyway - so apparently all families are odd, and if there is love, then it won't damage the children - Anagh will be okay.  

• On worrying about Anagh

In fact, Anagh would be more than okay.. What he needs is.. well, when I did the research before he was born - a loving family and money. Since he is born, he is surrounded by a loving family and gosh, if I am not working as hard as I possibly can to get more money into the house, I really don't know what more I can do. Perhaps visualisation. He is such a delightful baby - smart, alert, fun and loud! My mummy, his nani, gets most of the credit - she talked to him so much!! His nana, my papa, spoils him! I adore him and his extended family, including my friends, have continued to visit him since he's been born.   

• Who owes whom any loyalty at work? And what does that look like?

Who's batting for me? Who is in the room, leaving it open for me to enter? Who is making sure that I get mentored and coached so when I do enter the room, I don't embarrass them. Maybe no one does that for the women - I am reminded of what Meera said, Alex believes everyone must do the grind-work (I think she used a different word and I will put it in if I remember it) before they get an opportunity. But I need to bat for me, I need to push the doors open, I need to make sure I don't embarrass me. I think Mandy will get her 250k+ package at the Council. She didn't anyone batting for her. But she does conduct well and she does not embarrass herself. 

I sent an email to our CEO Andrew, basically calling out what I thought was wrong with our project - the goals were not clear, aligned and agreed upon at the GM level. And one of the reasons for that was  they weren't sure what they could deliver on. Project Management was crap. I have been thinking about this email in terms of what I read in Brene Brown's book. And also why I wrote it? what did I hope to achieve? Well - in terms of Strong Ground - I was tying to be above the line. Venting comes easier, but I really was trying to be above the line - curious and learn but also speak up - the best thing I can hope is to actually learn what the fuck happened? The worst, people will get defensive and pissed off at me. mandy sent me a lovely text - you are going piss people off - either you will piss other people off or you will piss yourself off by being small and not even trying to get answers.   

• On shopping and money

Consider this - I have a budget of  $1500 per fortnight for everything apart from my mortgage. I have just spent $1200 on a new mattress, $600 on a toys subscription for Anagh - that to be honest i would have paid for anyway - but have now pre-paid at a 25% discount, and $300 on 5 pants for myself. I really needed pants because I can't keep wearing maternity pants all the time. 

In hindsight, I think my fitness would have suffered less if I had got my reformer earlier. 

• On giving the people you love and who love you, the benefit of the doubt

This is a hard one -  it is so much easier to assume thoughtlessness and lack of care, than to, you know assume that maybe this was the best they were capable of - when people don't do what you are asking them to. I have had a morning with Papa.. will look at his phone while sitting in the car (yesterday was driving so badly - breaking and accelerating) won't sit for coffee, won't actually walk with us while shopping and won't drop at the train station when it was literally a minute away. I could have tried to remember all the good things he does, rather I have been really hurt and upset with him.. 

• On visualisation and manifestation

Still working on this. 

*she said something about participation award not being good enough. it is good enough, it has to be good enough - you can only dare greatly if you know that failing is an option. if failing is not an option, you will play safe, or remain frozen, or be reckless. you can only be vulnerable if you know that what you are risking is the ice-cream, not the meal on the table. participation award is good enough. you had a vision and you tried - in an honest and ethical way - that is all I can and will ask of you. Now, brush yourself off, learn what you can from the experience and start again. Time will pass anyway..  

The thing with Daddyji is

• not that he needs a lot of attention and time - Amma also needed that and so did Chicory

he doesn't really like me (or at least that is the sense i get) and for him I am a means to an end.. I am like a furniture or a painting in his house, his life - and do not have an existence beyond that. All he seems to care about is - what I can do for him and how I reflect on him. I kind of wonder how he succeed as much as he did, and made friends, as many as he did.. am i missing something?

 

But he is an old man now, and if I am not kind to him now, I will never get another opportunity.. Even so, I can't seem to gather up enough energy.. and the few things I try to do, like make him a nice meal or take him out somewhere, it seems to fall flat on its face. It doesn't seem to make him happy, so I give up.. 

He doesn't realise that all those years that I was there, that I was taking them out to the beach etc.- that I was there because of Amma, because she loved me, and loved me independent of what I achieved or did not achieve - all that i was able to do for her or not. And she enjoyed going out and she made it worth all the time and effort.. 

   

Still feeling discontent

• My words don't describe reality they shape reality
• How I feel changes what I am able to see, and how much freedom I have in a situation.