Self Assured

The internet defines Being self-assured as having a deep, unwavering confidence in your own abilities, decisions, and judgment. It is the inner belief that you can handle whatever life throws your way, allowing you to express your opinions, take risks, and stay poised in the face of uncertainty.

Key Characteristics of Self-Assuredness

Independence: They make decisions easily without constantly seeking validation from others and are not easily swayed by opposing arguments.
Assertiveness: They communicate directly, stand up for their rights, and are not afraid to step up and take charge.
Resilience: They view mistakes not as catastrophic failures, but as a normal part of the process of going after what they want. [1, 2, 3, 4]

How do I lean into my strengths to grow?

• Asking questions is easy, asking GOOD questions requires more reflection and work.
• How do I lean into my strengths?
• How do I thrive when some days I am just barely able to survive? lack of sleep at night, lack of clarity at work, and scarcity headspace 
• It is so easy to feel powerless and resentful and lacking of agency. but darling, don't be a victim, don't feel like a victim..

How and why the rich hold power and money and what my commencement speech would say now

This is not breaking news, but I just had this penny drop!

You know when I was finishing studies, we were in the middle of the millennium drought and I was finishing a degree in environmental and computer engineering so for my career it felt more meaningful and more relevant to go into environmental sciences. But nearly 20 years later, l wonder how much more money I would have made if I had gone into computers, since my research was specifically in the technology that forms the foundation of Al.

But look at the world around you, what we really need, is it Al or to tackle climate change?

Been seeing Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, that Facebook guy, Gina Rinehart and the likes playing out in real time and realising that the rich find all the opportunities because they bribe and steal to be able to break laws or create laws or more likely have laws not be created. Take a look at this series on Instagram on the billionaires of Australia and you'll see exactly what I mean. Billionaires are crooks who are brilliant at being crooks! Recognising this makes me go easy on myself - that perhaps being a billionaire is a package deal that I don't want.  

Most of the rest of us just want to do good meaningful work, have a reliable place to live, go on a couple of holidays occasionally, support our family and ourselves when we retire. I am hoping that that is achievable. 

Let me be clear, I did not choose my career knowing that I was making the less lucrative choice, but I did not make my choice on the basis of how much I'd money make, and so my story is an amusing anecdote and not a gut wrenching story of regret. In fact, the regret is more about the world we live in, rather than my choice.

If based on my own experience, I could give advice - while still pretty much in the middle of career, and still pretty much trying to figure it out - I would say, be intrinsically motivated, be curious, while somethings are hard, there is so much to be grateful for, have fun on the journey, hope is a choice. Walk but don't sleepwalk the path someone else has paved for you, whether it is your University or it is where you end up working. Al, in my opinion, has a place in this world, just like plastic has a place in this world - but Al and plastics don't need to be so ubiquitous. Read - preferably stuff that is not written by Al - it is the best way to learn new things, appreciate different perspectives, develop a capacity to sit with an idea for a long period of time. Write and create - don't surrender your agency, or your responsibility towards yourself or the world.

Low level anxiety

I just assume nobody reads this blog. It kind of follows the logic of 'the best place to hide a needle is not in a haystack but in a pack of other needles'.  

Wish List

1.  Programs • The Perspective Company ($999)
2. Shop the Peloton Cross Training Bike+ Powered by Peloton IQ ($3899 or cheaper if refurbished) 
3. Return money I owe people - $35k
4. BYD ATTO 3 | All-Electric Compact SUV (about $40k) 
5. Home renovations:
1. Energy Audit and everything they recommend
2. Landscape design and everything they recommend - including a pool??
3. perhaps: renovate the laundry and the kitchen. - tho I can imagine a scope creep occuring here.  

I don't want to be this person either.

 1. Anagh has got a fever today - looks like a mild viral infection at the moment and we are managing it with simple paracetamol and nurofen - and I noticed something while looking up at the dosage chart. Babies between 3-6 months weigh 6-8kgs, babies between 6-12months weigh 8-10kgs, babies between 1-3 YEARS weigh 10-14kgs. The growth that I have seen in 3 months (on average) will take years! I sometimes feel sad that I wasn't able to be a stay at home mom.

2. In fact, I feel like such an absent mom - I still do things the way I used to, I feel like I haven't really changed in a significant way, and so, things keep falling off my list.. like right now at 10.52pm on a Sunday night and I have yet to write my briefing up for a meeting tomorrow morning at 11am. Feeling rather frustrated with myself, tbh. Was listening to an interview of James Clear, the Atomic Habits guy, and he was asked - what's the resistance? why do I not do things that I want to do? James' answer was identity*.. you probably don't identify as the kind of person who would have that habit. I think my identity is pretty messed up right now. Without Chicory, and the person I used to be, who could at any time do pretty much whatever I wanted - including just have some quiet time to finish writing my document. 

3. That kind of time is so difficult to find now, and the fact that I want it - is making me uncomfortable. Like I used to be able to say, I have come from the shops and now I am going to sit down and just finish my work in the next couple of hours. Can't do that anymore. Like I used to be at my desk in the office in about 15 minutes top, again - takes over an hour to get there and I feel horrible about missing out on time with Anagh at this time because I can't be disciplined enough. Like I would walk up and down the apartment, deep in my thoughts, with Chicory always there for a hug and wanting a bite of something to eat, and now there are so many people at home - I can't just have that quiet wander. I'm not complaining (tho, it was nice when Chicory was here - but I want to let him go in peace, and not hold him or keep pulling him back..) what I am saying is - I still feel like the person I was when I lived in my apartment with Chicory, my instincts are still more like that person than the person who has a baby and who lives in a family - and that is fair on no one. 

4. What kind of a person would have nailed the briefing by Friday? Meera? Cassie? Mandy? Will Lugg? Meera said MDBA was nuts, Matt Henderson said the same thing, so did Nina Allen - round and round in circles we go, 'got burnt out by the times I kept hitting dead ends'. On Friday Tim Goodes was making a joke about hanging himself from the hook behind his office door. Pretty dark joke. And I don't want to be anything like Will Lugg or Mandy. But it is 11.31pm and I still have the whole document to write and instead I am writing this. I don't want to be this person either. 

*Krishna says with detachment and practice, in the Gita) 

7 things to write about

 1. How quickly things change - I am not struggling at work. I can credit this to a couple of things that have happened recently - having a chat with Bhai and me reading  Ben Crowe's Where the Light Gets In. It's literally all Bhagwad Gita

• do not worry about things that you cannot control - and you cannot control what other people think, or what the outcome is.
• Play is verb, Love is noun - Fear is the opposite. Follow your 'play' - when you were in the flow? Play-purpose-potential or as Krishna say, follow your dharma - what you are good at, what you are gifted at, what your role is, what is needed.
• dedicate your actions to someone.. Krishna, the dearest friend and charioteer, says dedicate all your actions to Me.  

continued about a fortnight later.. 

2. Keeping my balance at work feels like slacklining - I get a few steps in, it feels awesome and I feel stable and confident, till I don't, till I find myself on the floor starting all over again. But that's okay, that's alright. that is progress. 

3. Feeling a bit anxious about Daddyji coming.. and continuing about a week later, now that he is here feeling guilty and caught up in a difficult situation. Like yesterday, he asked if he could watch Indian news on the TV and I just straight up said no - because if I had said yes, the TV would be his and the volume would be high and we could never say no. I do feel guilty about it and have wondered am I making this up? I don't think so.. if you ever ask him - come for chai Daddyji - his standard reply is no. If mummy offers him dinner early - he says no. If mummy suggests he drinks some water so he doesn't get dehydrated because of the heat - he puts his hands up and tells her to leave him in peace. it is a tough gig. it, of course, makes me/us feel horrible because we could be more generous hosts but daddyji chooses not to ever feel good - and then blames us for his choice. 

4. that of course makes me wonder if I am doing that too - and now 3 days later - do I do that to other people? do I do that to Vicky or Roopam or Mama etc.?

5. I was listening to that Chinese story of the man who lost his horse: The Chinese farmer story ("Maybe") is a famous Daoist tale about a farmer whose horse runs away. When the neighbours call it bad luck, the farmer says, "Maybe." The horse returns with wild horses (good luck), his son breaks a leg (bad luck), and the son is spared from war (good luck), with the farmer always responding, "Maybe," highlighting that life is a complex, interconnected process where a "bad" event may lead to a "good" one, and vice-versa. And maybe, even that life is what we make of it. 

6. I was also trying to think of my best times in life - and there are none. There's always something that is not quite right. When I was at school, there was always homework and friends to worry about, in high school I was wondering if I'd get into a good place at Uni - my undergrad days were pretty good, but i was a bit bummed that i wasn't at Delhi Uni. Jamia was a good time but I was bummed that I wasn't at VJTI. Time in Melbourne was definitely not good and a whole lot of walking on egg shells with Mama yelling and Mami freezing me out. Early days in Canberra was fantastic but Mummy made my life miserable about not getting married. And then I bought the apartment and got married and both of those were actually difficult times. Time with Chicory was blissful except I was short of money, the house was a mess, felt stuck in my career, was trying for IVF (Yay!!) and I was always worried that one day he won't be around. Pregnancy was a genuinely great time because I was able to exercise and I decided that if I worry it is going to affect baby's mental health. And then delivery should have been awesome (and really was - I had the best people around me) but I was getting rid of the cockroaches the day before I was going to deliver, and I was closing the deal on the house after my waters had broke and I should have been labouring. Then after the really brilliant doctors and nurse at the hospital was an absolute b i t c h, I mean, I can't even.. It was really good to have Tanu tell me to focus so strongly on the brilliant people around me and MOST IMPORTANTLY my beautiful baby that I pay no heed to the negativity. That when I look back at this time all I remember is the bliss and the gratitude - and I do! I really remember the doctors with so much love and gratitude and regard. And then bub was 3 weeks old, we moved houses - there was no baby bubble to retrieve back to, no place to breastfeed with movers everywhere. The steps were so difficult for mummy. But I remember those days so fondly, my perfect little baby. Then we moved to Adelaide and we were sleep deprived and socially starved and Daddyji arrived and my god! I cannot believe they did that to me and mummy! but Bec was there too - and now, it is easy to laugh about the insanity of it all! But, oh I forget, I was trying to prepare the apartment for sale and trying to organise our new home, and Mummy was driving herself to the edge because of how messy the place was!! And then the apartment sold for about 20k less than what i was hoping and i haven't been able to return Tanu's 20k and Mama's 15k and I have been worrying about money since then.. and so much.. that I have finally decided if I cannot enjoy this time in real time I will never have a good time in my life. It's okay, money will figure itself out. I will also lose weight. Mummy and Papa are fit and healthy, Anagh is a little baby - curious and full of beans, and so good looking!

and that brings me to 

7. This time is so precious, half my life is over, and so unexpectedly, I have been given such a wonderful opportunity to have my baby and Ma and Papa to spend it with. and I keep wasting it, procrastinating work, watching TV. It feels like sh#it. I have to change this. I am working on changing this. That's what this was all about.. this is all what this was all about.