So my brain broke

 and I admitted it, at work. I basically shared this with my boss:

you see the first word of the paragraph 'in contrast', this response is in contrast to people who thrive in chaos. this article was a little helpful and a little annoying. Helpful because it really did describe what I was experience and what I suspected how a few others were experiencing chaos as well. and annoying because while the article says that it is unhelpful to say some people are strong and some people are weak - it does say exactly that - and i think it is wrong in doing that. it would have been more helpful to say - some people respond like this and other respond like that, and then explain what might be different between people in first category and people in the second category and how the same people move between the two categories. 

This brings me to the second thing I have suspected since coming back to work - that ADHD isn't just something some people are born with (tho, of course, some people are), there are environmental causes of ADHD too. by which i mean your brain is a neurotypical brain that responds to a certain situation by behaving like an ADHD brain - see how they say 'onset .. of ADHD symptoms' in the second paragraph. 

 

Anyway, I am working on 

• teaching my brain to turn my stress response 'off' - by practicing meditation, having a real holiday
• eating healthier, exercising, and thanks to my dear child
• sleeping better. 

may we all shine in our own light!! 

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Meditation

Breathe in the roses, blow out the candles 

Breathe in the roses, blow out the candles

Breathe in the roses, blow out the candles

Relax your forehead, eyes, cheeks, unclench your jaws, lower your shoulders

may i be filled with unconditional love, may i be kind to myself, may i accept myself as i am, may my inner light shine bright, may i be at peace and at ease. 

for this person so dear to my heart: may they be filled with unconditional love, may they be kind to themselves, may they accept themselves as they are, may their inner light shine bright, may they be at peace and at ease.

for this person who I don't really know: may they be filled with unconditional love, may they be kind to themselves, may they accept themselves as they are, may their inner light shine bright, may they be at peace and at ease. 

for this person where there is friction: may they be filled with unconditional love, may they be kind to themselves, may they accept themselves as they are, may their inner light shine bright, may they be at peace and at ease. 

for everyone in the world: may they be filled with unconditional love, may they be kind to themselves, may they accept themselves as they are, may their inner light shine bright, may they be at peace and at ease. 

At work.

Disconnected, disengaged, distracted and demoralised. 

unsure what to do about it.  

I wish I knew what I was delivering towards and I could just do that - instead, i am wasting my one wild and precious life. 

That felt good.

Fuck off Michael! 

To do list

1. Recall notes - 30 minutes (So this ended up taking about 4 hours! 7.30 hours with breaks..) 
2. Infrastructure - 2 hours
3. Submissions - 2 hours before Monday
4. CV and job application - 3 hours.. 

Self Assured

The internet defines Being self-assured as having a deep, unwavering confidence in your own abilities, decisions, and judgment. It is the inner belief that you can handle whatever life throws your way, allowing you to express your opinions, take risks, and stay poised in the face of uncertainty.

Key Characteristics of Self-Assuredness

Independence: They make decisions easily without constantly seeking validation from others and are not easily swayed by opposing arguments.
Assertiveness: They communicate directly, stand up for their rights, and are not afraid to step up and take charge.
Resilience: They view mistakes not as catastrophic failures, but as a normal part of the process of going after what they want. [1, 2, 3, 4]

How do I lean into my strengths to grow?

• Asking questions is easy, asking GOOD questions requires more reflection and work.
• How do I lean into my strengths?
• How do I thrive when some days I am just barely able to survive? lack of sleep at night, lack of clarity at work, and scarcity headspace 
• It is so easy to feel powerless and resentful and lacking of agency. but darling, don't be a victim, don't feel like a victim..