Trees and Books and Art

 

My son is so incredibly beautiful and bright and loud and opiniated and empathic and vulnerable. Chicory was also very beautiful and incredibly large-hearted and generous and unbelievably brave and vulnerable and so warm. I am grateful for these two souls choosing me. 

I need to be writing my CV and my statement of claims for job applications, and I am sitting here, my heart breaking over the people and souls who chose me and those who didn't. Those who I chose and those that I wasn't able to. 

Half my life is over and there are things that I might never be able to do again or do at all..

• Rock-climbing*
• .. in the himalayas*
• falling in love, gently**
• growing old together**
• pottery and making art*
• having a beautiful garden*..   

So many things I cannot thank the Universe enough for:

• all those years where it was just Chicory and me, and Heather and Kavi and Canberra - how can i ever thank the Universe enough for those years? 
• and Ingrid and Tanu
• my baby and my mum together
• my parents and me
• my house not so far from the beach
• my brother who i get along with in a good comfortable way
• 
  

*still possible, right?

** maybe?

Thoughts

Claire has a way of making everyone in the room feel more stupid - and it's not because she is smart, it's because she speaks in a way that is unclear but her tone is like what she is saying is obvious. 

I was looking at my history of job applications and maybe I do need to leave MDBA.. I really really want to.

I took Chicory off my wall papers on my phone - nearly 6 months on and it struck me suddenly while driving the car alone that he will never again be my co-pilot and I will never get to hug him again and I realised that I can't keep the grief so fresh - I think he needs to be able to go as well.. 

My wall paper now says, 'It is already yours - Universe' - which is good because I don't know how I

• will return the money I owe Tanu $20k and Mama $15k
• will get a promotion at work
• have a garden like I want it
• have financial security like I want it
• get fit again - I am currently carrying at least 30k of fat and got pelvic girdle issues and a core that feels like water..  
• have a partner? the kind I want? this seems particularly impossible right now.. like not only do I not know how to do this, it is way too late and just impossible for such a person to exist.. where as other things feel really really hard. 

Anagh is teething, he is an absolute champ... I am trying to find rest where I can, and so is Mummy.. and so is Papa.. Christmas break was good but very tiring. I don't think Bhai really understands how short of cash I am, and Mummy really drove me up the wall by insisting that I pay every time I am I was around. And Vicky and Roopam and their 20 dollar presents! I mean fuck off arseholes! I don't know why I expect them to do better.. it's not like they are filling my treasure troves, it won't really make any difference.. I don't need their gifts.. 

Madhu Didi and Rajinder Jajaji are visiting in Feb, I think.. Tanu is coming for a weekend in Feb as well.. and then, Daddyji is coming for longer.. and just that fact feels very tiring. Nobody is feeling at home.. I hope Anagh is feeling at home.    

Time will pass anyway

• On Books

Just finished listening to Brene Brown's Strong Ground - apart from one thing that I didn't agree with* - I really enjoyed the book. She consults the companies at cutting edge technology and she is talking about what it takes to succeed in the current environment. I'll work on those skills. I'll also work on trying to get those things for Anagh - especially, reading books and playing in the wild. 

Currently listening to Jacinda Ardern's A Different Kind of Power and realising that all one can do is make the best next choice and have a vision and somehow the path will appear? being focused on the path is not very useful. Also, JA's father was born of his mother's extra-marital affair but his non-biological father loved him anyway - so apparently all families are odd, and if there is love, then it won't damage the children - Anagh will be okay.  

• On worrying about Anagh

In fact, Anagh would be more than okay.. What he needs is.. well, when I did the research before he was born - a loving family and money. Since he is born, he is surrounded by a loving family and gosh, if I am not working as hard as I possibly can to get more money into the house, I really don't know what more I can do. Perhaps visualisation. He is such a delightful baby - smart, alert, fun and loud! My mummy, his nani, gets most of the credit - she talked to him so much!! His nana, my papa, spoils him! I adore him and his extended family, including my friends, have continued to visit him since he's been born.   

• Who owes whom any loyalty at work? And what does that look like?

Who's batting for me? Who is in the room, leaving it open for me to enter? Who is making sure that I get mentored and coached so when I do enter the room, I don't embarrass them. Maybe no one does that for the women - I am reminded of what Meera said, Alex believes everyone must do the grind-work (I think she used a different word and I will put it in if I remember it) before they get an opportunity. But I need to bat for me, I need to push the doors open, I need to make sure I don't embarrass me. I think Mandy will get her 250k+ package at the Council. She didn't anyone batting for her. But she does conduct well and she does not embarrass herself. 

I sent an email to our CEO Andrew, basically calling out what I thought was wrong with our project - the goals were not clear, aligned and agreed upon at the GM level. And one of the reasons for that was  they weren't sure what they could deliver on. Project Management was crap. I have been thinking about this email in terms of what I read in Brene Brown's book. And also why I wrote it? what did I hope to achieve? Well - in terms of Strong Ground - I was tying to be above the line. Venting comes easier, but I really was trying to be above the line - curious and learn but also speak up - the best thing I can hope is to actually learn what the fuck happened? The worst, people will get defensive and pissed off at me. mandy sent me a lovely text - you are going piss people off - either you will piss other people off or you will piss yourself off by being small and not even trying to get answers.   

• On shopping and money

Consider this - I have a budget of  $1500 per fortnight for everything apart from my mortgage. I have just spent $1200 on a new mattress, $600 on a toys subscription for Anagh - that to be honest i would have paid for anyway - but have now pre-paid at a 25% discount, and $300 on 5 pants for myself. I really needed pants because I can't keep wearing maternity pants all the time. 

In hindsight, I think my fitness would have suffered less if I had got my reformer earlier. 

• On giving the people you love and who love you, the benefit of the doubt

This is a hard one -  it is so much easier to assume thoughtlessness and lack of care, than to, you know assume that maybe this was the best they were capable of - when people don't do what you are asking them to. I have had a morning with Papa.. will look at his phone while sitting in the car (yesterday was driving so badly - breaking and accelerating) won't sit for coffee, won't actually walk with us while shopping and won't drop at the train station when it was literally a minute away. I could have tried to remember all the good things he does, rather I have been really hurt and upset with him.. 

• On visualisation and manifestation

Still working on this. 

*she said something about participation award not being good enough. it is good enough, it has to be good enough - you can only dare greatly if you know that failing is an option. if failing is not an option, you will play safe, or remain frozen, or be reckless. you can only be vulnerable if you know that what you are risking is the ice-cream, not the meal on the table. participation award is good enough. you had a vision and you tried - in an honest and ethical way - that is all I can and will ask of you. Now, brush yourself off, learn what you can from the experience and start again. Time will pass anyway..  

The thing with Daddyji is

• not that he needs a lot of attention and time - Amma also needed that and so did Chicory

he doesn't really like me (or at least that is the sense i get) and for him I am a means to an end.. I am like a furniture or a painting in his house, his life - and do not have an existence beyond that. All he seems to care about is - what I can do for him and how I reflect on him. I kind of wonder how he succeed as much as he did, and made friends, as many as he did.. am i missing something?

 

But he is an old man now, and if I am not kind to him now, I will never get another opportunity.. Even so, I can't seem to gather up enough energy.. and the few things I try to do, like make him a nice meal or take him out somewhere, it seems to fall flat on its face. It doesn't seem to make him happy, so I give up.. 

He doesn't realise that all those years that I was there, that I was taking them out to the beach etc.- that I was there because of Amma, because she loved me, and loved me independent of what I achieved or did not achieve - all that i was able to do for her or not. And she enjoyed going out and she made it worth all the time and effort.. 

   

Still feeling discontent

• My words don't describe reality they shape reality
• How I feel changes what I am able to see, and how much freedom I have in a situation. 

Money

 I realised I had been feeling rather discontent today. And took me a minute to realise that's because of the money.

Got a salary of 3800, of which 1800 is mortgage, 500 is electricity bill, 500 is rates, technically 500 should go to Papa for daily expenses and 500 to return Tanu's monies.. and that leaves me with ZERO dollars! Its like I just haven't been able to stop worrying about money - in SUCH A LONG TIME!