Wish List

1.  Programs • The Perspective Company ($999)
2. Shop the Peloton Cross Training Bike+ Powered by Peloton IQ ($3899 or cheaper if refurbished) 
3. Return money I owe people - $35k
4. BYD ATTO 3 | All-Electric Compact SUV (about $40k) 
5. Home renovations:
1. Energy Audit and everything they recommend
2. Landscape design and everything they recommend - including a pool??
3. perhaps: renovate the laundry and the kitchen. - tho I can imagine a scope creep occuring here.  

I don't want to be this person either.

 1. Anagh has got a fever today - looks like a mild viral infection at the moment and we are managing it with simple paracetamol and nurofen - and I noticed something while looking up at the dosage chart. Babies between 3-6 months weigh 6-8kgs, babies between 6-12months weigh 8-10kgs, babies between 1-3 YEARS weigh 10-14kgs. The growth that I have seen in 3 months (on average) will take years! I sometimes feel sad that I wasn't able to be a stay at home mom.

2. In fact, I feel like such an absent mom - I still do things the way I used to, I feel like I haven't really changed in a significant way, and so, things keep falling off my list.. like right now at 10.52pm on a Sunday night and I have yet to write my briefing up for a meeting tomorrow morning at 11am. Feeling rather frustrated with myself, tbh. Was listening to an interview of James Clear, the Atomic Habits guy, and he was asked - what's the resistance? why do I not do things that I want to do? James' answer was identity*.. you probably don't identify as the kind of person who would have that habit. I think my identity is pretty messed up right now. Without Chicory, and the person I used to be, who could at any time do pretty much whatever I wanted - including just have some quiet time to finish writing my document. 

3. That kind of time is so difficult to find now, and the fact that I want it - is making me uncomfortable. Like I used to be able to say, I have come from the shops and now I am going to sit down and just finish my work in the next couple of hours. Can't do that anymore. Like I used to be at my desk in the office in about 15 minutes top, again - takes over an hour to get there and I feel horrible about missing out on time with Anagh at this time because I can't be disciplined enough. Like I would walk up and down the apartment, deep in my thoughts, with Chicory always there for a hug and wanting a bite of something to eat, and now there are so many people at home - I can't just have that quiet wander. I'm not complaining (tho, it was nice when Chicory was here - but I want to let him go in peace, and not hold him or keep pulling him back..) what I am saying is - I still feel like the person I was when I lived in my apartment with Chicory, my instincts are still more like that person than the person who has a baby and who lives in a family - and that is fair on no one. 

4. What kind of a person would have nailed the briefing by Friday? Meera? Cassie? Mandy? Will Lugg? Meera said MDBA was nuts, Matt Henderson said the same thing, so did Nina Allen - round and round in circles we go, 'got burnt out by the times I kept hitting dead ends'. On Friday Tim Goodes was making a joke about hanging himself from the hook behind his office door. Pretty dark joke. And I don't want to be anything like Will Lugg or Mandy. But it is 11.31pm and I still have the whole document to write and instead I am writing this. I don't want to be this person either. 

*Krishna says with detachment and practice, in the Gita) 

7 things to write about

 1. How quickly things change - I am not struggling at work. I can credit this to a couple of things that have happened recently - having a chat with Bhai and me reading  Ben Crowe's Where the Light Gets In. It's literally all Bhagwad Gita

• do not worry about things that you cannot control - and you cannot control what other people think, or what the outcome is.
• Play is verb, Love is noun - Fear is the opposite. Follow your 'play' - when you were in the flow? Play-purpose-potential or as Krishna say, follow your dharma - what you are good at, what you are gifted at, what your role is, what is needed.
• dedicate your actions to someone.. Krishna, the dearest friend and charioteer, says dedicate all your actions to Me.  

continued about a fortnight later.. 

2. Keeping my balance at work feels like slacklining - I get a few steps in, it feels awesome and I feel stable and confident, till I don't, till I find myself on the floor starting all over again. But that's okay, that's alright. that is progress. 

3. Feeling a bit anxious about Daddyji coming.. and continuing about a week later, now that he is here feeling guilty and caught up in a difficult situation. Like yesterday, he asked if he could watch Indian news on the TV and I just straight up said no - because if I had said yes, the TV would be his and the volume would be high and we could never say no. I do feel guilty about it and have wondered am I making this up? I don't think so.. if you ever ask him - come for chai Daddyji - his standard reply is no. If mummy offers him dinner early - he says no. If mummy suggests he drinks some water so he doesn't get dehydrated because of the heat - he puts his hands up and tells her to leave him in peace. it is a tough gig. it, of course, makes me/us feel horrible because we could be more generous hosts but daddyji chooses not to ever feel good - and then blames us for his choice. 

4. that of course makes me wonder if I am doing that too - and now 3 days later - do I do that to other people? do I do that to Vicky or Roopam or Mama etc.?

5. I was listening to that Chinese story of the man who lost his horse: The Chinese farmer story ("Maybe") is a famous Daoist tale about a farmer whose horse runs away. When the neighbours call it bad luck, the farmer says, "Maybe." The horse returns with wild horses (good luck), his son breaks a leg (bad luck), and the son is spared from war (good luck), with the farmer always responding, "Maybe," highlighting that life is a complex, interconnected process where a "bad" event may lead to a "good" one, and vice-versa. And maybe, even that life is what we make of it. 

6. I was also trying to think of my best times in life - and there are none. There's always something that is not quite right. When I was at school, there was always homework and friends to worry about, in high school I was wondering if I'd get into a good place at Uni - my undergrad days were pretty good, but i was a bit bummed that i wasn't at Delhi Uni. Jamia was a good time but I was bummed that I wasn't at VJTI. Time in Melbourne was definitely not good and a whole lot of walking on egg shells with Mama yelling and Mami freezing me out. Early days in Canberra was fantastic but Mummy made my life miserable about not getting married. And then I bought the apartment and got married and both of those were actually difficult times. Time with Chicory was blissful except I was short of money, the house was a mess, felt stuck in my career, was trying for IVF (Yay!!) and I was always worried that one day he won't be around. Pregnancy was a genuinely great time because I was able to exercise and I decided that if I worry it is going to affect baby's mental health. And then delivery should have been awesome (and really was - I had the best people around me) but I was getting rid of the cockroaches the day before I was going to deliver, and I was closing the deal on the house after my waters had broke and I should have been labouring. Then after the really brilliant doctors and nurse at the hospital was an absolute b i t c h, I mean, I can't even.. It was really good to have Tanu tell me to focus so strongly on the brilliant people around me and MOST IMPORTANTLY my beautiful baby that I pay no heed to the negativity. That when I look back at this time all I remember is the bliss and the gratitude - and I do! I really remember the doctors with so much love and gratitude and regard. And then bub was 3 weeks old, we moved houses - there was no baby bubble to retrieve back to, no place to breastfeed with movers everywhere. The steps were so difficult for mummy. But I remember those days so fondly, my perfect little baby. Then we moved to Adelaide and we were sleep deprived and socially starved and Daddyji arrived and my god! I cannot believe they did that to me and mummy! but Bec was there too - and now, it is easy to laugh about the insanity of it all! But, oh I forget, I was trying to prepare the apartment for sale and trying to organise our new home, and Mummy was driving herself to the edge because of how messy the place was!! And then the apartment sold for about 20k less than what i was hoping and i haven't been able to return Tanu's 20k and Mama's 15k and I have been worrying about money since then.. and so much.. that I have finally decided if I cannot enjoy this time in real time I will never have a good time in my life. It's okay, money will figure itself out. I will also lose weight. Mummy and Papa are fit and healthy, Anagh is a little baby - curious and full of beans, and so good looking!

and that brings me to 

7. This time is so precious, half my life is over, and so unexpectedly, I have been given such a wonderful opportunity to have my baby and Ma and Papa to spend it with. and I keep wasting it, procrastinating work, watching TV. It feels like sh#it. I have to change this. I am working on changing this. That's what this was all about.. this is all what this was all about.      

25

1. I am struggling to focus at work, I am being the exact opposite of safe-hands, I have forgotten what I have ever done well - did not help that Julianne gave me such a horrible mid-year review and while consciously I have overcome that, emotionally I am still stuck at it. It has been weeks since I have done anything good and productive at work. 
2. I have booked an Employee Assistance Program appointment to help manage Paul. I am also trying to book an in-person appointment with EAP for myself.
3. Money is less of a worry at the moment, I guess because I have accepted that it is going to fly occasionally.
4. Garden is making me very happy at the moment. I have ideas and more clarity than before. Speaking to Michael Wilson was great, he gave me some great advice about what to do next.. I am hoping to speak to a landscape designer to get a sense of where the storage and dining space can go. we need a lot of storage - for bicycles, maybe canoe, for suitcases, extra shopping etc and then gardening tools as the bedrooms are small.. 
5. I feel like I am self-sabotaging that I am not doing what I must do and I am feeling utterly miserable about the whole thing.. I know what I need to do, I just need to focus and put on my 5 minute timers. I know that what I am facing is a VERY COMMON PROBLEM.
6. Got ourselves a bench for a shoes and hats and for sitting down for the hall. I am thrilled how well it will help with the flow of the house and how I will not have to bite my tongue about anyone putting their shoes anywhere or on the carpet where Anagh plays.
7. Life sucks and I hate it. Nobody is ever going to love me. things my inner critic says - so patently untrue. I just googled that, 'why does my inner critic say blatant lies so loudly?' and the AI actually gave a good answer. I am pasting that at the bottom of this page. The links are pretty excellent too. 
8. Mummy and Papa are wonderful. I begged them to let me have my desk space and not keep walking into it so I could start working and finding focus again and they have done that now. It only took them 3 days to get a hang of what I was asking for. I am so grateful. Also, Mummy and Papa deal with all the extra washing of clothes and dishes - which is a lot. 
9. Claire called today - she was asking for 'a hook' in the legislation - heaven knows what she meant! I shared the document that I had written and apparently it answered her questions and she thanked me. We might be more similar than we realise - early promise, not quite realised, middle aged with some inner daemons that have only gotten stronger over the years. We are both really insecure. Unlike, Ema and Cassie? I think. 
10. This is my journal, and I am going to write 25 thoughts because then I can start working. I am getting a bit fed up with my own procrastination.
11. The GEMs job, they are referee checking Cass but Tumi hadn't heard from anyone. I ..well..  hard to put what my brain and gut are fighting over in words. guess the idea is just to wait and see what happens. 
12. Admin tasks that I am also procrastinating: tax return and updating mummy papa health insurance and car insurance to include Papa in the drivers list. 
13. Admin tasks that I have done: paid bills, organised the payment of my road fine. bloody hell, I missed my physio appointment yesterday - SO SO SO BUMMED about that! I had been counting down to it for weeks!! No one to blame but myself. 
14. I think if I die today and there was an epitaph for me on my gravestone, this would be it - no one to blame but myself. But i can honestly say that if i die today and there is one thing you could tell Anagh about his mum it would be - she chose the bigger life. 
15. Anagh's passport form - urgh - it has got stuck somewhere in the mail. i posted a tracked mail and lost the tracking number - what an idiot!! will have to do all of it again, if it doesn't reach Tanu this week.. 
16. What does successful look like for the slide deck that I am starting to produce? Thought I'll talk to Ingrid or Meryl about it but got pulled into this whole other admin-y type 
17. And then into phone chats and looking for food kind of thingy.. 
18. I am going to hurry this up and get on with the job. I really do need to finish this Menindee issues question and then get into a habit of delivering work fast.
19. the thing is read doc A, and read doc B, and rewrite doc B to flow from doc A.. 
20. ..
21. ,,
22. fjdj
23. dfkdaslkj
24. uereyrueyuasjf
25. that's it. 

Decoding the Inner Critic's Origins and Purpose | Psychology Today Australia

Your inner critic says blatant lies loudly because it is not acting as a rational judge of truth, but rather as a primitive, fear-based survival mechanism designed to "protect" you from emotional pain, rejection, or failure. It shouts in extreme, distorted, and irrational ways to command your attention and keep you within your comfort zone. 

Here is a breakdown of why this happens, based on psychological research:

Why It Lies (The "Protection" Mechanism)

• Preventing Future Pain: The critic believes that by harshly criticizing you, it is protecting you from making mistakes, being embarrassed, or experiencing failure.
• "Staying Small" for Safety: The voice often tries to keep you small or hidden to prevent you from being judged, abandoned, or rejected by others.
• Unresolved Past Pain: A loud inner critic is often rooted in past distress, trauma, or childhood, where you may have internalized the harsh criticisms of caregivers or peers.
• Cognitive Distortions: The critic uses "all-or-nothing" thinking (e.g., "If I fail this, I'm a total failure") or "catastrophizing," which are irrational, exaggerated patterns of thought. 

Why It Is So Loud

• Fear-Based Urgency: The brain’s threat system is activated, releasing cortisol and making the voice feel urgent and intense to force a "fight-or-flight" response.
• Habitual Thinking: The critic is a long-standing, habitual mental pattern that has become the default mode for handling stress, making it feel loud and unstoppable.
• Misinterpreted Internalization: The voice may sound like a loud, abusive authority figure from your past, making it feel more authoritative than your own rational thoughts. 

Common "Blatant Lies" It Tells

• "If you aren't hard on yourself, you'll become lazy": This convinces you that self-criticism is necessary for productivity, when it actually causes burnout.
• "You are a burden to others": This lie isolates you by making you fear that connecting with people will bring them down.
• "This one mistake means you are fundamentally flawed": The critic equates a single, momentary action with your entire identity. 

How to Handle It

• Recognize and Name It: Identify the critic as a "separate" voice (e.g., "Oh, there's my 'Destroyer' voice again") to create emotional distance.
• Fact-Check the Voice: Challenge the lie by asking, "Is this actually true?" or "What evidence do I have against this?".
• Treat Yourself Like a Friend: Ask if you would say these things to a loved one. If not, don't say them to yourself.
• Use Self-Compassion: Shift from trying to "fight" the voice (which makes it fight back harder) to treating yourself with kindness, which reduces the threat response. 

The inner critic is a misaligned survival tool; its goal is safety, but its method is destructive. 

Trees and Books and Art

 

My son is so incredibly beautiful and bright and loud and opiniated and empathic and vulnerable. Chicory was also very beautiful and incredibly large-hearted and generous and unbelievably brave and vulnerable and so warm. I am grateful for these two souls choosing me. 

I need to be writing my CV and my statement of claims for job applications, and I am sitting here, my heart breaking over the people and souls who chose me and those who didn't. Those who I chose and those that I wasn't able to. 

Half my life is over and there are things that I might never be able to do again or do at all..

• Rock-climbing*
• .. in the himalayas*
• falling in love, gently**
• growing old together**
• pottery and making art*
• having a beautiful garden*..   

So many things I cannot thank the Universe enough for:

• all those years where it was just Chicory and me, and Heather and Kavi and Canberra - how can i ever thank the Universe enough for those years? 
• and Ingrid and Tanu
• my baby and my mum together
• my parents and me
• my house not so far from the beach
• my brother who i get along with in a good comfortable way
• 
  

*still possible, right?

** maybe?

Thoughts

Claire has a way of making everyone in the room feel more stupid - and it's not because she is smart, it's because she speaks in a way that is unclear but her tone is like what she is saying is obvious. 

I was looking at my history of job applications and maybe I do need to leave MDBA.. I really really want to.

I took Chicory off my wall papers on my phone - nearly 6 months on and it struck me suddenly while driving the car alone that he will never again be my co-pilot and I will never get to hug him again and I realised that I can't keep the grief so fresh - I think he needs to be able to go as well.. 

My wall paper now says, 'It is already yours - Universe' - which is good because I don't know how I

• will return the money I owe Tanu $20k and Mama $15k
• will get a promotion at work
• have a garden like I want it
• have financial security like I want it
• get fit again - I am currently carrying at least 30k of fat and got pelvic girdle issues and a core that feels like water..  
• have a partner? the kind I want? this seems particularly impossible right now.. like not only do I not know how to do this, it is way too late and just impossible for such a person to exist.. where as other things feel really really hard. 

Anagh is teething, he is an absolute champ... I am trying to find rest where I can, and so is Mummy.. and so is Papa.. Christmas break was good but very tiring. I don't think Bhai really understands how short of cash I am, and Mummy really drove me up the wall by insisting that I pay every time I am I was around. And Vicky and Roopam and their 20 dollar presents! I mean fuck off arseholes! I don't know why I expect them to do better.. it's not like they are filling my treasure troves, it won't really make any difference.. I don't need their gifts.. 

Madhu Didi and Rajinder Jajaji are visiting in Feb, I think.. Tanu is coming for a weekend in Feb as well.. and then, Daddyji is coming for longer.. and just that fact feels very tiring. Nobody is feeling at home.. I hope Anagh is feeling at home.