Distance, they say, makes the heart grow fonder. Distance, I say, is messing up with my head. Two thirds of the time that I have been with my partner, we have been separated by distance and a time gap of nearly 6 hours and two full time jobs. By the time we will meet again, we would have been in physical proximity for less than 16% of the time.
I don’t doubt the happy ending of the story, I mean, we will eventually settle down to the normal squabbles and endearments of a routine (Indian) couple. In spite of all my logical (or so called logical) flights into causes and reasons, my decision of marrying and being married to Borealis/M, runs congruent to my subconscious faith regarding life and its journeys.
I hope you noticed the word, subconscious above. At the conscious level, I am grinding myself down to first principles. Before meeting M, I wasn’t convinced that we must marry^. I would have perhaps liked* to get married, if the right person comes along. I was willing to put effort into looking for the right person. But the inevitability of marriage as the normal state of being of a person in the society is what I was not convinced of. Being an avid fan of “Into the wild,” I had heard of the Tolstoy quote, “happiness is real only when shared.” And having considered it, I found it convincing. But who is to say that we must share it only with our family, or rather who is to say that our family is only the one we are either born into, or we marry into. I guess, having the world as a family is a hard hard thing, and it needs a BIG generous heart, a lot bigger and a lot more generous than I am capable of; and definitely more than what it takes to have a small family – no matter how imperfect. But doing the correct thing is a lot more logical than doing the easier thing that one is not convinced of.
Then I met M, and if I remember correctly (I think I come close) the feeling of inevitability of being able to accept M and actually have fun living with him was perhaps very similar to what my brother says he felt when I was born.(My brothers and I have the grandest time together and growing up without them would have been a hollow emptiness that I hate to contemplate about.) So far, I haven’t been disappointed – M is very predictable (a very, very, welcome change, when compared to the rest of my life) and M is nice. Also, usually M smiles when he talks to me.
But thank you long distance, this last bit is starting to change. If I call up in the my morning, it will be middle of the night for M… if I call up in my afternoon, it will early morning rush for M… if I call up after my work hours, it will be evening rush for M… and if I call up when it is after work hours for M, I am exhausted at the end of the day, and very grumpy. You of course noticed, that ‘if I call’, because M doesn’t call.... I am still not entirely clear about why that is the case, but it seems like I always beat him to it… or when he calls, I don’t answer… and he doesn’t believe in answering machines.
Also when we talk, it is starting to show that we aren’t really doing anything together and have slipped back to our old life of which the Other was never a part of. And what could be worse, where the Other was never missed either. It makes me throw my arms up in the air and go, “so, really, why exactly did I marry?” and because there is no one else to answer, the doubting-est part of says, “because there was nothing better to do…” to which I ask again, “but then why am I trying so hard to talk to M each day?”, to which my doubting-est part has no answer.
But then I look at it again, and ask, “so, really, why exactly did I marry?” and I answer, “for happiness, and I am yet not completely evolved to love the world like my family.” To which I ask again, “why am I trying so hard to talk to M each day?” to which I answer, “because I love being with him!” I didn’t marry M for a month or two, at the end of my life, I would have been with M for many many years; and life would have been a richer experience and I would have evolved into a better, happier person for being in his company!
^Note: Marriage here includes being part of a couple, co-inhabitation and all such things.
*Note: Liking to do something doesn’t make doing it logical
