whose woods these are?

many years ago, before google became a verb, i kept my english teacher's copies of poems that i was expected to return. one of these was robert frost's stopping by woods on a snowy evening, which for some reason i memorised. and tonight, on a cold winter evening, after a day of smiling more than i felt like, of finding how the memory of delhi lives on my skin but i can't touch it, of feeling sore from people's words, of fear and exhaustion that my own mind can bring - those words came tumbling out. and with it the meaninglessness of a school-time guilt.

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

The seeming contradiction in having a goal and living in the present^

I am currently fixated with an idea - currently, as in, for the past 3 days - before that it existed as a "well, maybe, we'll see, it looks nice but really what do I know*" kind of a thought and it has, in sickness**, really come to fore and I NEED to get it back in size.

The problem with a thought like this is that it clouds my judgement and it clouds my senses - the world appears thru a prism of my desire; I stop seeing things as they are, i start responding to the world thru the prism of my desire rather than that of my values and clear vision. I have repeatedly spoken about my hatred for fear - it is irrational, this complete dislike of fear - who knows, fear might actually have some value - as in, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. A strong desire leads to fear, fear of failure or loss - and I don't like fear.

So, does that mean that I will live life without a goal? Considering how Swami Chinmayananda says that a goal can transform a something to a giant among men - that would be a huge loss. But are all goals equal? Each action, says Swami Nikhalananda, has two impacts - one on ourselves and the other on the world. If we function to change the world, the impact is fraught with danger, because we might or might not be successful... but if we function to have an impact on us, our inner selves, even when we fail, we succeed. Thus, the action being the same, the focus of our mind can be different. The mind can either rely on a success defined in the future, or the mind can rely on the state of mind itself while functioning. One of the best example really does come from sports, to play good sports, we have to be present in this very moment - all my practise and all my goals, all the past and all the future is in this moment. There is a continuum - like music, this moment is complete and yet in complete harmony with the past and the future. Once one realises that happiness is complete and ever present, the world does become a sport - a gymnasium for the mind, says Swami Vivekananda. Once we believe it to be a sport, like tennis or soccer, we bring ourselves to the present - because that seems like the main requisite for playing a game -  and then we find that we are here for a purpose, that at any moment life expects something of us, if only we are present to pay attention to it. And when we pay attention to it, and play in harmony with Life, the randomness reduces, the efficiency increases, we become more attuned to the what is, as opposed to, what our desires and dislikes are projecting. In short, we get an answer for why are we here - and we play the best game we are capable of. And we play with the humility, that we are only one part of the game, but also that whatever happens, it is only a game and we are safe, our happiness (the thing we long for most) is as close to us as the awareness that we exist - the one and only thing we can be sure of.         

and so, i will try and come back to this moment (as Swami Nikhilananda says, we are so busy remembering or imagining our lives that we don't actually live it) and try and be here-now.

^with hopes that it makes as much sense in black and white, as it does in my head

*read previous post about being awful predictors of happiness; and another post on the capacity of human beings vs. the grace of nature/universe/god
**i was in bed for 2 days due to sheer fatigue

apparently the evolution of human beings over dinasaurs is not that we have an opposable thumb or language, but that we are self aware.

we are awful predictors of what would give us happiness. and we never seem to really know when we really are in control, our sub conscience and conscious minds are perfectly capable of believing contradictory facts to be true.

in short, it seems like we are walking disasters... it seems we fail worst when we try to make it work... when,  we not only have contradictions, but we try to reconcile them, and act on them like there is a single indivisable truth that forms the basis of our action.

all, i suspect, we are really trying to do is forget ourselves, escape this constant contradictions within us that is driving us mad.

--
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`What a curious feeling!' said Alice

it is going to be birthday season around here soon; and i know absolutely nobody else who loves birthdays as much as i do! i could almost squeal with delight just thinking about it - and being on 1st of July, I am reminded of it during the most serious of seminars - and it makes me think, quite perversely, what a headache my dearest birthday is to a lot of people!

i can't think of any good reason why i should so love a birthday, but i can't imagine how i have managed to read design blogs so long either. life is just fantastic now, and i feel so wise, it is unbelievable - in that sense, i can't wait to grow older and wiser. sometimes, i think, i have all that i need, and i am sure all that i will need will come - for the most important thing is love - and i am blessed with it! i have no doubt that i am loved, and i am so grateful for it. what is love - love is when you think of someone and you see 'them' - not what they look like, or what they like or not like, or nothing 'about' them, but 'them' - and your heart is delighted and you wish them all the joys and happiness the world has to offer. i love some people so much, and i am so grateful for all the love i get. (was that waaaaaay toooo much information?)

anyway, back to the birthday, we are having a mad hatters tea party! in spite of the fact that i love alice in wonderland, i haven't actually read the book - at least, not the way the white king would like it, `Begin at the beginning,' the King said gravely, `and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'* it is just so much fun randomly picking at it, and reading snippits - just look at this! (ok, maybe this :)

*incredibly useful advice when you are speaking to people!

That is all

Listen to this: when you say a word, you think of that object, now if you choose to, you can pay attention to that and become aware of that. So, when I say nose you think of a nose and this point you can pay attention to the nose and become aware of it.

Similarly, when I say Om, you think of that awareness within you that is Life, but now pay attention to that because of which you know that you are thinking.

When you can, put everything aside and sit down comfortably. Chant Om, and as you do that, your mind will think of It, then pay attention to that awareness itself, become aware of the awareness itself and let the word drop.

And that is all.