on growing old

sometimes, it is like fabric of my heart snags against a random sharp edge of life, and something comes unravelling, wondering, "how did it come to this?" all those warm afternoons that, somehow, i will never be able to revisit, the images of old houses - once so important - growing fainter in memory. normally it is alright, like music, each note grows out of another and yet, is complete and perfect in itself; but sometimes, it feels like a late autumn evening with rain drops that keep falling on my head!

and at such times, i can't help wonder about my grandparents. my grandpa, whose macular degeneration means that as memories fade, there probably isnt any new imagary replacing it; who doesnt like to complain about his tinititus, he says, but it annoys him very much; whose nostalgia isn't very encouraged for the fear that it only makes him angrier and bitter. his ambition and independence, from his youth, are his best and worst allies in his old age - sometimes life is easier, if you know how to ask for help - and he tries, but at the same time his (almost stubborn) self-reliance is a boon for everyone around him. but you can't help but wonder how his choices have calcified now, for better and for worse.

my grandma, does slightly better, she was, even at the peak of her youth, used to thinking beyond her own self - she did, i think, even then learn to bask in the joys of her children and her family. she learnt then that happiness can come from places different to getting what you want*; she used to humour us even then, letting us get away with what we wanted, so now when we ask her to listen to us - she indulges us still, and we listen to her still, and times don't seem to have changed all that much - just a gentle gradiance but nothing all that very dramatic.

*i cannot imagine why else would she take such good care of us when we were sick and helpless with such good humour, and be just as happy as i was when finally the side-effects of the medicines wore out and i could actually taste my food. i cannot actually remember these as seperate incidents but i think even babies remember when someone has shown them such unconditional kindness.

Heaven, hell and my wardrobe

the human birth is said to be superior with regarding to gaining moksha, because it is particularly good at highlighting the transience of experiences - good times and bad times, neither of them last and then we grow old and die - not just that, we see ourselves growing old and dying. In heaven or hell, it is said, you keep having a great time or an awful time and then you wake up like from a dream. I was thinking about all this as I marvelled at the fact that I have a whole room (not a huge room to be sure, but still) to keep my clothes and books - this would not be a marvellous thing for anybody except for me because I was living with ALL my material possessions in a room not too much larger than this said wardrobe room. 







 

why do i introspect?
something is rotten in the state of denmark
non-apprehension leads to misapprehension

how do you think about where you want to be?

in life, it isnt as much about where you are, as it is about where you want to be; in life, it isnt as much about what you think, as it is about how you think.

the universe is full of magic, the stage before our eyes is being managed by forces invisible to them. one of these is the power of our intent and our faith - we are guided by these in ways that we do not understand. if you really have a goal, not a wish, not a desire, but a destination - you and the universe will come together to get you there. do you have a destination?

it isnt what you think, but how you think. in life, are you a worrier, a doubter, a cynic, second-guess-er? or are you one who always looks at the bright side of life? takes responsibility? a will-not-quit-er? a giver? a big-picture girl? a detailed person? there you go, those words might give you a hint about how you think - no matter what happens, no matter what your goals, you 'tend' to respond to all of it in a rather predictable manner. in this case, do you really think it matters too much about what you are thinking about; what life throws at you or what your goals are? you are either going to believe in yourself or you won't; you are either going to be a cynic/doubter/non-believer in your good luck or you will be grateful for it and share it freely and thus, either shrink shrink shrink or grow grow grow. do you pay attention to how you think?

 

the dark underbelly

most things in my life make it wonderful, i have much to be grateful for, but somewhere it also has a dark underbelly.
Most mornings, i hate hate hate to get up; this morning i went to the gym, ate some breakfast, had a shower and still wanted to crawl back to bed! Sometimes I feel incredibly sad, usually it is a disproportionate reaction to something trivial or most times it is seeing things different to what they really are. feeling sad means my heart starts to feel heavy and my lips bend in a frown and they dont ever want to smile again. sometimes the future scares me, sometimes everything scares me. I am dating a guy i dont see very often, i find it very difficult - part of me finds it so difficult i want to break up for that very reason; other times i feel like i am dating a ghost in my head, the details start to fade and imagination starts to take over. i go to the gym, but i feel like it is a mental crutch as much as anything else - i find it difficult to make my own goals and push myself to achieve them, i find it easy to trust someone else to do the right thing by me. my apartment is a mess and i cannot imagine why after so many months, i've still not been able to sort it. i am getting a pup that has been breeded to be good-natured, good-looking and healthy; this fact makes me think deep thoughts about humans. i wish i was better than who i am - smarter, kinder, nicer,a better communicator, more useful, more disciplined, better at taking up the chances that come my way... sometimes a cold wave crashes over me and leaves me wet and with pockets full of sand.
then, eventually, the clouds roll over, and the sun shines again.

ethics and abuse

I was wondering today about abuse, and basically how that is basically treating a living entity like an object; a means to fulfil whatever desire one has with no respect to the cost and consequences that others have to pay - how abuse is a complete and utter lack of empathy towards the victim, caused by being entirely consumed by what one wants for themselves.

that was a scary thought, because I can see that attitude to be so very pervasive - I knew of a kindest nurse who would take care of really sick bed-ridden patients but asked me why I was vegetarian when "God created animals to eaten by us", the argument I have heard made at other times by other people I respect.

basically, I am asking, what is the basis of ethics? and how can we answer that without knowing what is the basis of desire? and isn't that like asking the flip question, if God* - the most ethical and powerful entity - is good, how can we have desires that can hurt others? if God is good why is there evil in the world? or if we are purely selfish people how is there any good?

but on another level, I am asking, how must I interact with the world? this world brings me joy, and I am attracted to the people who make me happier; what is worse, I avoid people who give me grief! how must I live that I don't treat people as means to an end?

UPDATE: Relationships are giving and taking of joy due to the presence and actions of another being; but when these become one-sided, that is when relationships become abusive.

*interestingly in Vedanta I have only heard God being Sat Chit Anand OR Satyam Shivam Sundaram Truth-Pure Knowledge-Pure Happiness; OR Truth-Auspiciousness-Beauty; and then, if you are interested, here is a rather interesting article by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on "Religion's Answer to the Problem of Evil" where he says,

"In sharp contrast with the view which justifies all evil as good is the view that evil is unreal. It is "maya" or illusion; it is "error of mortal mind." This view has its strongest proponents in Christian Scientists and Hindus. Objections to this are obvious, ... As Dr. Whole so congently states in a criticism of this theory, "To say that all suffering is a delusion of man's mind would be to make the existence of the mind the worst of evils; there is not much to choose between pain that is objectively real and mind which necessarily imagines the pain that tortures it." 

and that is what Hindus says, this mind is a problem, purify it and get rid of it - for right now we don't recognise anything beyond this mind.

 

  

The freedom and simple beauty is just too good to pass up.

Buddhi yoga, which is also more famously known as karma yoga, is yoga thru correct attitude in action. 

Rather simply, it says, you - who are born in this is society, in this family, with this specific body and with these specific talents - you must do whatever it takes to fulfil your responsibilities. While doing your work, remember that you have no control over how it all turns out, but don't let that stop you from acting, because you must fulfil your responsibilities. And while you are at it, remember you must only do what you are supposed to do, don't suddenly decide to do someone else's job.

Having said this much, He realises, this attitude is kind of difficult to maintain, so He says, remember how you have gotten everything from the world and how you've enjoyed it - you must work to express that gratitude. Because when we are grateful, we are not focussing on the next big desire we are craving, but by fulfilling our responsibilities, in a rational, effective way, we are giving ourselves the best possible chance to gain the most successful life. Not just that, by acting correctly without expectation, all we are doing is - wait for this - PLAYING A SPORT!!

Once you start playing this sport, lots of other things happen - sometimes we go off on a ride because we really like to write the blog when something else needs to be done, or sometimes we don't understand what we are supposed to do and such stuff - but it is okay, it is actually rather simple - do the best you can, not because you are looking out for something but because you must. And sometimes things that were never obvious before become obvious, and that is pretty awesome too!
And that is what Krishna says, it's like joining the dots, you do one right thing at a time, and gradually the whole painting will emerge.   

note: Blog title picked from a postcard sent by Christopher McCandless (mentioned in Into the Wild)