GAD

I have generalised anxiety, it is not really at the stage of a disorder – but I know what it feels like when your breath seems to hang at the back of your throat and your jaw is clenched and your mouth feels dry – and you generally feel like it would be wonderful if you could dig a hole in the ground and hide there.

Recently, however, I have been observing an interesting relationship between feeling anxious and drinking coffee. Drinking coffee revs your body up and then, as a consequence, your mind, reading your body, starts to rev up as well – but as there is nothing to rev up about, you get a bout of generalised anxiety.

 
I'm sure other factors contribute. For instance, I was trying to figure out what I was so worried about, and I realised that I am not excelling in ANYTHING – and that is my problem. So, being a list-o-holic, this is really what I am trying so hard to excel at:

 

0) My Career - **
a) Music – I really want to play music, on my violin, really absolutely want to play music on my violin

b) Fitness – I want to move my body and do things with it, like flip on a sling, or climb up a rock, or swim, or ride; I want it to continue doing things when I am about to have a baby, when I have a baby and when I am old.  

c) Journalism – I really absolutely want to do my course – and then I want to talk to people and write.

d) Flirt – I want to flirt, I want to take people’s opinions less seriously, I want to take myself less seriously, I want to take life less seriously – strange as this sounds, but in lot of ways, I want to live like my dog does – he doesn’t love everyone (no, that is far less demonstrative and that is reserved for me :-) but he is an incorrigible flirt. He’ll jump, kiss and generally make a huge hoo-ha about anyone he likes, but if they pass on he’ll usually not care too much either. By default he will assume people really enjoy having him around, but sometimes they don’t and he doesn’t try to reason why, he is too occupied to be enjoying the world for that! Note: In lots of ways I am being a human, but in lots of ways I really wouldn’t mind being my dog.  

 

I realise for all of this I need to self-care (somehow that sounds better than care for myself), so I need to

a) Eat properly

b) Sleep properly

c) Focus

d) Exercise.   

f) Clean beautiful home

** I was listening to a podcast where Patrick Rothfuss speak with one of designers of Cards against Humanity, I think it was Max Temkin. And much as I have enjoyed PR's books - I would not recommend listening to these pod-casts - they are too long and not that very amazing. I would recommend Writing Excuses or maybe even Elizabeth Gilbert's podcast series Big Magic but ONLY if you promise to skip every second episode and only listen when she speaks with other experts. They seem to convey good sense, in spite of her.

      Anyway, the point of all these podcasts is about authors or creative people doing what they enjoy doing. In Unattended Consequences, Max says something like, "I am an expert at taking something I love and turning into a chore." The reason this sentiment was like a shot in the arm for me is because I grew up believing it and IT IS A LIE! To be fair, these guys were probably joking about it - but anyway, it is a lie - things you love don't turn into a chore, they add sparkle to the dullest of things, as long as you continue to match your goals with your purpose.

      EG is not doing a great job being a mentor, I'm sure you need to get off that horse sometimes. She does have some very amazing friends, and I really enjoyed listening to them speak.

      Writing excuses is by far the best - these people have been doing this for a long time and seem quite comfortable in their skin. Even if you are not planning on writing a book, it is interesting to listen to them. They only speak for about 15-20 minutes claiming, "fifteen minutes long, because you're in a hurry, and we're not that smart." I particularly enjoyed the episode on Newton's Law of Writing.
 

C

I was looking at C, my 6 month old chocolate Labrador, who i already call an old soul, and wondering about all the knowledge he is born with.

 

He has an ease of spirit when he accepts love and a stoicism with which he accepts that humans lose their mind and do irrational stuff - like making a HUGE big deal about where a dog pees or poos. He'll playfully mouth me if knows I am teasing but sit patiently if he knows he is going to get a smack or a scolding. He understands play but doesn’t understand why you'd keep throwing away a ball we were happily playing with. "Surely" he thinks to himself, "if you are going to be a fuss pot about not wanting a ball, i can learn to play with others." 

 

He knows how to sing - and I really stuffed up with his head, when i recorded him singing and re-played it. He jumped up - incredulous, amazed, unbelieving and yet believing, yet blissful beyond words, yet anxious to not even wait a second - to meet his soul mate. to meet someone who could sing his song back to him. for a moment he looked at the phone, then as if dismissing it, he looked at me, as if i were a dog wearing a human skin (how he knew that all along!) and he was about to pull it away from me like removing a blanket from the top of a toy, when looking into my eyes he dismissed that idea too. he noticed that the singing had stopped, realised that i had probably done some trick. and i, realising that if i continue doing these kinds of things he will lose confidence in his instincts, and thinking about what i had led him to believe, felt terrible.

 

for a moment, C thought this world contained someone who would sing his song back to him. but it doesn’t. it broke my heart in a way that only living with C everyday does - when you see innocent confidence in this world turning doubtful, and grandest hopes that come crashing down being dealt with nothing more than a shrug.

 

i often sing to C, gradually learning what engages him and what doesn't, and he is learning to understand what my songs mean. it is sometimes very difficult to believe that this is only the first summer he has known (tho i try to tell him it has been much wetter than usual and there was a drought not very long ago) and all these experiences that he is experiencing with me are completely brand new in a way I forget to appreciate, even if there is hope that i could.

 

yesterday he saw his first kangaroo and then whimpered when i told him he had to sit and not chase them; a few weeks ago he swam in a lake for the first time. he goes digging his nose in bushes to find crickets that are hiding there after the rain. he hurt himself, the other day and loved the dry turmeric powder that i gave him as an antiseptic, even tho it is terribly bitter - and again, he is attracted to native animal poo in a way that is (obviously) inexplicable to me! 

 

he is still trying to figure out what to do when i come interrupting his blissful sleep in the middle of the night - should he come and sleepily sit at attention (something he has been doing till recently) or should he simply keep lying? i don’t seem to mind his lying, and frankly, getting up 200 million times a night is a bit crazy. Should he roll over and ask for a belly rub?

 

my little wise soul, he'll figure out the best ways. and i am grateful beyond words to share that journey with him.