Change is in the air

I'm switching jobs in a week, and it has been really hard working from home for the last month. Hard not being able to bounce ideas of people at work... but going to work is difficult too. Primarily because you do need a rhythm at work and it is difficult to set one when you don't go in that often, and when you start worrying about getting sick again. 

To paraphrase Joni Mitchell, so many things I could have done but Covid got in my way... or maybe I don't need to paraphrase Joni Mitchell at all - so many things I could have done but life got in my way. I have looked at life from both sides now, from give and take and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. maybe she is talking about that life is neither as strong as all that or weak as all that. 

I left a note on my phone last night, it said: we live and walk in more world than just this one. And they talk to each other. And that world that I can feel but not see, there lie the answers I seek about love, and purpose and expression and connection. I was of course thinking about clairvoyants, Anita Moorjani, so many of my own experiences and how the fairy is summoned but not seen by Jonathan Strange in Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. 

I feel overwhelmed by things I want so very much in life, but can't seem to know what to do about it. On the otherhand there are two (or maybe even three) things I want dearly and I can do heaps about:

1. work
2. weight loss
3. writing

The 'w' is a nice coincidence. 

Work wise, I just need to provide the handover. Weight-wise, I am working on a strength and running plan with Dave Halpin, an excellent EP, and I will run a marathon within the next twelve months. There is Canberra marathon in April next year and we'll work towards it. And maybe if I can the Braveheart 777 marathon in Canberra (that I expect will happen on 2nd July, to honour Pallavi). Other than that, I don't really need to tweak my diet, just my sleep. I'll work on that. maybe the mild dose of melatonin. Maybe start reading books at night. Writing is a bit of a big whoop right now. I don't know what to do about that. 

Another thing that I am glad I forgot because I have, for better or for worse, decided I can't do anything about it till Mummy and Papa both leave and thinking about it just makes it really bad for me. But I will de-clutter the house. 

Other than that, as I have said here before, I see my children in my future and I see their father. It will happen. Tho, how is as much a mystery to me as anyone else who has never given it any thought.   

 

Thinking it thru

 I am sore today, couldn't sleep last night. Started worrying, and it has made things worse today. Chicory is catching up on his sleep this morning, which is a bit funny because the only reason he needs to do that is because all my tossing and turning meant that he couldn't sleep. I'm not sure if he needs it or not, but I drag him under the covers at night - it does get very cold in Canberra at night and there is no heating. I think if I don't have him under the covers, he'll just sleep on top of them, and then I'll be uncomfortable. Something to be said about having a duvet under and over you.

I should drink enough water and go to the gym today. been getting weird side stitches recently. not sure what it is - could be that my bra is too tight, i tried to buy one my size but they didn't have those so I bought the size I already had, sometimes I am really very smart and that might lead to sarcasm too. Or it could be that my digestion is a bit off - I went to donate plasma and they gave me these really delicious antacids and now I eat them like toffees. I don't think that would be a good thing. Or maybe I am eating midnight snacks. Shouldn't stress, should sleep, aah, same same same. round and round we go. 

What's with me and crushes - currently crushing on Bertie Carvel (why?? well, that head of curly waves as Jonathan Strange is very cute, and maybe something about being an over thinker, don't know!) was previously crushing on Lee Pace (again way?? I loved his interview about he prepared for a role, but Pushing Daisies is tough to watch and what they did to Foundation is beyond criminal.) I forget and find photos on my phone, presumably those that I downloaded to share with Dashi. It is funny.

My physiological anxiety (ie, reflected as Heart Rate Variability as measured by my Garmin) is lower recently. I think it has to do with the fact that Mummy Papa are here and I am no longer lonely. They really are the best parents in the world, i don't think i could have put up with me, if I was them. But sometimes I wish I had my husband and kid also and also a bigger home. Also, they keep coming and going which is a bit difficult because when they are here they are really helpful and do everything and change all the systems. And at the moment, my place is a mess and I am paying stupid $400 a month for storage because I couldn't finish cleaning it. It is bloody annoying and irritating and I am almost entirely irritated with myself. Because I know I am being irrational and unkind and I feel like I wouldn't mind smashing things to bits and that is not how I should feel. 

Also sometimes I like having an empty house to myself - which is stupid because loneliness is worse than smoking cigarettes, and don't I know it!!?   

Why do i only have two choices on the internet: either looking at ads or looking at how the world is burning?

Had a chat with Anubha Di about whether I should give up on Kathak classes - whether to keep things ticking along, or decide that when I do things, I do them well. I had already messaged to say I won't be attending classes till 18 July when we finally spoke and I think we landed on "be intentional and aim for excellence." I wish I had enough energy to be intentional about at least two or three things - the last time I was really intentional about work (which, by the way, has reaped incredible benefits) I would give up on cleaning my house, doing my exercise etc. etc. I would like to be intentional about the following:

1. Home - why don't I have an instagram worthy home? really there is NO reason, except that I can't seem to have throw away all the rubbish. I think I am going to try and not buy anything for the next 6 months. 
2. Running and fitness - strength training and running a marathon. 
3. WORK - I really need to make the most of the time that I am not sick, I have a good manager who is able to give me useful direction, and I don't have some weird emergency going on at home, like handymen not showing up or having water drip from my laundry to the apartment below. (I might be exaggerating but not greatly.)  
4. Writing - ah! where do I even start!!? 
5. At some point in future: violin and pottery and line drawing and generally making things. 

I keep a tracking calendar and I need to track both how I am keeping the engine going and also how I am using the engine... 

To keep the engine going, these things are essential:

• mental health
• sleep
• water
• diet - protein, fibre, multivitamins
• exercise
• and usually, C's walk and diet. I can't seem to ever do it as well as Papa does. 

yesterday for instance, sleep was shit (didn't sleep till 4.30am - was anxious), diet was rubbish,  exercise was non existent and I was tired.  I am still tired today. I am using this post as a space to figure out how to navigate my way out of this unproductive, exhaustive state and I couldn't even write this till Papa left the home and I had space to figure out my thoughts. 

Today I WILL get a few things ticked off my list. I will do my best and by best will be enough. But I will be intentional about how many things I will put on my plate and I will try to aim for excellence. If it sounds contradictory, it is not, it is paradoxical and that is just how life is.     

Dear Mr. David Tennant,

Last Saturday, I was having a usual kind of a weekend day when I discovered the voice in my head has your face and one of your accents, it speaks with your voice too. 

Now that I've got the weirdest part of this email out of the way, for which I feel like I should apologise, for I never asked your permission, can I please point out that it was a surprising discovery for me too. And perhaps I was too hasty to call it the weirdest part of the email, because, now I realise I owe it to you to talk about the voices in my head and how you got there. 

I have two key voices in my head. One of them that says, "Nobody will ever love you." and the other one that says, "I wish I was dead." Till Saturday, the first voice used to say, "nobody will ever love me." It's cruel hard voice and I couldn't for the life of me understand why it was so incredibly cruel to me. I have many people who love me dearly and yet, there it was, like none of that mattered and I could never win. Usually, I only wanted it to shut up - picture pushing a ball to the bottom of the pool - can't be done. On Saturday, I paused and decided to talk to this voice - I asked it what did it want to tell me. (I think before then I used to ask it what did it want me to do?) And that is when I saw you leaning back and sitting on the couch (my couch in my living room) and saying, "nobody loves you." Huh? Right? me too, exactly.

Now this must be really annoying for you to hear, that people have you in their head saying cruel things to them, but trust me I was SO relieved to see you there. Finally, it wasn't me realising that nobody would ever love me, but you telling me that. Because while you are this very lovely person in real life and plenty of your performances, you are also a horrible man in ---, and you are good at heart but can only be seen being horrid in Good Omens. So, suddenly I had the space to be curious about this voice in my head, and wonder about it. Whether I was trusting you but you are actually horrible (like Deadwater Fell) or if I thought you are being horrid to me but actually you are trying to save humanity (like Crowley). 

So, I asked you (still sitting on my couch) to make some room for other voices on the couch, that you really couldn't hog all of the space for yourself. (This is actually a trick that a therapist once taught me, she told me that I didn't need to shut up voices, just allow enough space for other voices.) 

And we've been having some conversations and I realise you only pipe out of nowhere and startle me when you think I am living against my values, not meeting my potential, and wasting my time procrastinating and what not... why would you not say that instead of telling me no one loves me, is beyond me for now, but we are talking. I have a feeling that Mary Poppins style you'll soon find that I have grown up and there others who need your help, and to be honest, I am really looking forward to that. But also, if they are not unwanted, big bear hugs to Crowley and you. 

PS: I have since spoken to the other voice too, the one who tells me it would be best to be dead. And learnt that she only pops up when I am feeling that the world is too big and nothing I can do can make a difference, so I might as well give up and die. I can't see her yet, she hides just out of sight, but I hope she'll come to the table too.