The mind is a strange strange place to be, and this is in spite of the fact that I have spent most of my life there. The present is a good place to be, there is clarity in the present - things either are or are not - there is nothing more to it. The mind does strange somersaults - it goes from 'some people don't care a fig about me' to 'nobody loves me; nobody knows me' in less than a heart beat*.
As you have perhaps guessed already, this is going to be one of those 'waaaay tooo much information about me' post. I probably should shut up, but that has for long not been an option - much like mother shruti, my blog knows how to keep it's secrets.
Today I somehow came home, and I hope I will stay there. Long ago (or so it seems) I read about the qualities of a bhikshu? a sanyasi? or someone like that? and one of them was that the world was their home. I sometimes feel I am not home anywhere - either I have my family and my language or my friends and my routine - and I don't want to quit either.
What would you do if people hurt you, but nudge you in the right direction? If the universe was just as impatient with you as you were with yourself? i wrote a few things I wanted to live my year by, and the universe has created a situation where I HAVE to live by them! The few things that I have pencilled in, that are still my choice, are now scaring me, I better get on with it or who knows where would the next blow come from.
The worst thing about having a hard time is that you start to second guess yourself - which is why the present is a nice place to be, but the present isn't everything. Not yet, anyway. It is by values in life, that life gets value - in the present, there has to be honesty - complete honesty, peeled away all the pretensions, assumptions, just is-ness. I wonder what will that show... i feel like being in the present is like trying to stand perfectly still in a river that is in flood. (I tried asking a friend about this, and he fucking stopped replying to emails!! would you effin believe that!?! I must have strangest friends in the world!!)
That is the time I wonder what I mean to people, but it seems to be
one of those meaningless question that Werner Heisenberg talks about - either that or the answer is too painful. In all honestly tho, I do suspect it is one of those meaningless questions, because deep down we are just one of us.
*the rational part of my mind at this point just gets bedazzled and does some kind of 'woh mate! hold your horses' thing... and on goes the battle...
