the enormity and finality of death as well as its mundane-ness stuns me... my innumerable regrets make me incredibly sad... i got a nudge from someone else's grief but i walked into a darkness all of my own making.

Fog at the crossroads

The fog in my thoughts has increased to the degree that I cannot even write a complete blog post - this is some 4th or 5th attempt! Mind you, I am not uncomfortable, but it feels like I am standing on a street with so much fog around me that I do not know which way to go, except with this rather strong awareness that i must start moving soon.    

I have been burning thru the Maisae Dobbs series on my Kindle, and am totally taken up by the back-drop of the stories. The London between the two world wars. London must be a kind of mother land for me, considering that I have read those books since I was a child. I have a London in my head that I know so intimately, that I have seen grow and wane. It is like those places in Pakistan from where my family comes, that remain only in my head, and in conversations (and now wikipedia). Unlike London, I think those places in Pakistan, could be on the moon or a fragment of some human imagination, for I am so unlikely to ever be able to step on that land. Reading Maisae Dobbs, I so wanted to read how Germany was doing at those times, and I guess guided by unconscious knowledge I picked up Werner Heisenberg's Physics and Beyond, and guess where does that book start? In 1920 Germany, the war had just ended and Werner was in high school and talking to his friends. Of course, they were talking about Atoms, but they were also talking about the world they lived in and the thoughts they thought. All incredibly wonderful.

I don't read in Hindi much (at all!), and I am, so far, a bit overwhelmed by Russian authors and I read the deep Indian philosophy in English - you can see where I am going with this. My world view is limited by this language (and by so much more), and languages and literature is one more path that I might or might not take... i am trying to budget the time and money i have, and i am not sure of the costs and values of experiences in this world. i don't know what i can buy and if i want to buy it anyway! but it is not as bad as that, we are guided fairly often by our unconscious knowledge... we might still find that goal.

dreams have no logic or limits..

it was, today, a day of sighs and catching up. it was a day of realising, yet again, that time and space only fit so much; but dreams have no logic or limit!

i had been away on the weekend, and today I was sick but catching up with office-work at home. and for the second time within a relatively short period of time, i accepted an offer to pick up a piece of furniture, an ideal piece from my dreams, but i have no room for it - no room for an arm chair! sighs galore!

but in happier news, i am super duper excited about building a piece of furniture - it IS going to happen people! keep your eyes peeled!



  

someone found that funny

There is a lady at work who is often laughing a seriously cackling laugh, it is also a seriously loud laugh and it is more a kind of laugh that one would associate with absurdity and sarcasm rather than gaiety or amusement. It is the kind of laugh that happens at the expense of someone rather than with someone - in short, I think it would fit perfectly at a live theatre where a show with witches on broomstick is on and it is terribly irritating at the office.  

She also has a pet horse; so at least some one loves her without wondering about what the joke was! 

Burned Out?

It, unfortunately, appears like I have got a bit of a burn-out happening. How do I know? Well, because, I googled it, of course. I spoke about it with my brother and got incredibly angry with him, which was amusing because it doesn't happen very often. It wouldn't be amusing if it happened more often.

Burn-out carries a lot of feelings with it
- disbelief, "this cant be me, i am better than this!"
- guilt, "i owe them more than this"
- irritation, "what on earth am i doing with my life!?"
- doubt "i went so wrong here, will my next decision be any better?"

but i am realising that the solution, like all elegant solutions, is simple and not-easy. the only way out of burn-out is discipline and responsibility. i must do things that i am supposed to do, i might fail, which is fine, but i fit in this world thru give and take. and since i have not stopped taking, i must not stop giving my dues*. but when you are in the middle of a burnout, it is kind of difficult to get your brain to engage and do anything very well - it is then that you need discipline. The discipline to turn up and complete the tasks by the due date (yes, they wont be as good as you know you could have done) and just keeping it going. Discipline is the momentum that pushes you out of any shit you might find yourself in - of course, I have said that before.  

*i also owe myself the opportunity to express the purpose of my being, so i do owe to myself to put myself in a place where i can get that opportunity.