Things on my mind

Spending the day on the desk because even tho nothing is getting done, it is better than being away from it. But I am distracted and the things on my mind are:

Chicory is sick. Again. He abdomen is very bloated - I found him shivering - took him for a walk and that seems to have helped. I have been feeding him yogurt and rice, just a small fistful per meal. I trialled some soup sachet with shitake mushroom and a bit of fish and chicken - but hints of oil in it and boiled with rice. It seems to have made him worse. It is tough taking care of someone who is that sick, but of course, it is tougher on C - I wish he would lived a healthier life, but he is a BRAVE soul and he finds the strength to pick himself again and again, and doesn't give in. I pray and pray that he leaves this world in peace and without a lot of suffering. Papa is coming in another week - and last time Papa helped him get all better, maybe he can do that again. Anyway, it will be good for C to have Papa near him. Except Papa will also have Mummy, Daddyji and Anagh vying for his attention. Poor boy. I wish I could have given him what he truly deserves, this beautiful brave kind soul. But I pray that Hanumanji will. He will also give him a good death. I hope Hanumanji gives us all a good death. 

Work is a bit hard to get a handle on. Why? I am not entirely sure. I think scribbling this would help. Even writing this was driving me bonkers because the computer had some 'cookies' issue and I wouldn't let me log into my google account to be able to write here. Teething troubles. Finding files is not intuitive. Very easy to get distracted by Anagh and C. Not easy to find someone at work to talk to, process things with. But sitting on the desk helps.. 

Separately, spoke with Girish* over WhatsApp and looked at photos of Anuj's* home in Houston.. remembered Puja's place in San Francisco and I rationally understand this is stupid but I wonder what if I had stayed in computers... what would my life looked like right now.. more money? a husband? What was I telling Bhai when he had to refuse a dream offer recently... that what he's meant to have will be his... and what is meant for me will be mine too.. 

normally when I get in a funk like this I love it if I can go for a run.. right now my body is feeling weird.. I am not sure if I enjoyed my pregnant body and feeling my baby inside - I don't really remember, but I am not missing it right now. I didn't focus on being pregnant, giving birth and having a tiny baby - I was too busy doing so many other things at the same time - some times that makes me sad, mostly I try to remind myself of my big door prize and the family I have now, I wouldn't care which ever how I had got them, the thing is that I got them! 

But I wanted to write about my body being really weird and strange and a crazy odd shape. and the joints go clickity clacks and core muscle feel like a boiled noodle. The hormones are doing something, and I doubt if it is all good ;P  The clothes don't fit me anymore and definitely don't feel clean or flattering. nor do i feel smart in these... Even my hair looks nothing like it used to - and even at it's worst it used to look good. my face has so many chins.. (I can't even brush A's hair properly. I seem to have forgotten how.) you get the sense..  i needed to sit down and put it on paper. I wanted to write it so I can then do something about it, or choose not to. 

Writing this has taken me hours - with a couple of walks for C, some playtime and food time with A, and such interruptions. Now mum's left her dinner half eaten and is with A so I can have a moment to myself. I am not complaining, I am thrilled, but it's like being in a new city, no matter how thrilled you are to be here, you still have to figure out the way to the grocers and find a new hairdresser. There is a new routine that I am trying to set and I need a moment to sit down and figure it out.         

There is reformer about to arrive, I had promised myself ONE gift for all that I managed to get through.. well all that I did.. working, buying a house, selling a house, and moving cities with a 3 week old baby, and yes, going thru IVF, growing a baby and giving birth.. and it nearly didn't happen, the banks needed more money than i had anticipated, but thankfully, it is happening, I am waiting for it to arrive. then my watch broke.. my garmin forerunner 935 - that had taken me running for the longest while, so I bought a new Garmin forerunner 255 music - because the music and the non-music options costed the same $443. And this was 39% off.. I mean it is nuts.. and just to reiterate the earlier point, I read somewhere that the biggest cost to the company is the software written for these! Sigh! 

 What else, I am sooo grateful for the house we are in! I mean the monthly mortgage costs me my fortnightly salary.. but it is okay, it is worth it. There is so much I am trying to get done here.. but even if I get nothing done, I can live with it..** (maybe once my repayment hits 30% of my salary, I can get the kitchen re-done. maybe.) Once Papa comes and Mum and Papa and Anagh can give me uninterrupted couple of hours, I can in that time tidy up the house, vacuum and mop it.  

I can also start working on the garden.. the previous guys have concreted nearly the whole yard - and when I say nearly, I mean literally.. they have concreted nearly the whole yard. The remaining bits is full of invasive species and need to be taken out - there is so much agapanthus in the yard! I have put in two wattle that the council gave me - I thought I had killed one, but it seems to be coming back! I did kill two tea trees because I did not put them in the soil - for which I will now feel guilty forever. (Hopefully not!) 

For the garden what I want is - fruit trees and veggie garden and a space for the adults to sit and for Anagh to play. I would love a productive forest, with trees and bushes and shrubs and groundcover. I would love for it to be visible from the dining/living room. I have paid good money for a course in organic gardening - I need to now listen to the lessons and apply them. 

I also need to hire a jackhammer and break the concrete in places. Especially the concrete where the hedge would go... and where the fruit trees would go. I also cannot for the life of me make sense of all these walls the previous owners have put in the yard.. it just makes the whole place look so small. All I want is for the whole place to look lovely and green. They have put THREE rainwater harvesting tanks - brilliant and barely a patch of green!! well more than just a small patch of green.. but you know what I mean..  

Today is a good day, today I am getting my thoughts down. It has been so long since I have had a chance to do that. And so many thoughts I have had floating around my head, talking about some of them - money, my garden, my Chicory, my body - in about 1400 words - feels good. Others will have to wait till I get there - I had started this post as lists post - gratitude and goals and things to-do..  but I could definitely talk a lot more about money, the garden/yard, the house and the few things that I need to get done to make it nicer to live in, my body - and how it doesn't quite feel normal yet.. and perhaps my baby - tho, I am not certain that this is a good place to talk about my baby. 

*Girish Chabbra and Anuj Jaiswal - because if I forget it will bother me!!
**it basically leaves me with about $700 per week for everything else. Thanks to Mummy Papa, I don't have to spend anything on childcare, and so I can live with that.. the bits I need to review are: insurance, solar panels (can i afford them?), rates/taxes, returning money to Tanu $20k and Mama $15k.