25

1. I am struggling to focus at work, I am being the exact opposite of safe-hands, I have forgotten what I have ever done well - did not help that Julianne gave me such a horrible mid-year review and while consciously I have overcome that, emotionally I am still stuck at it. It has been weeks since I have done anything good and productive at work. 
2. I have booked an Employee Assistance Program appointment to help manage Paul. I am also trying to book an in-person appointment with EAP for myself.
3. Money is less of a worry at the moment, I guess because I have accepted that it is going to fly occasionally.
4. Garden is making me very happy at the moment. I have ideas and more clarity than before. Speaking to Michael Wilson was great, he gave me some great advice about what to do next.. I am hoping to speak to a landscape designer to get a sense of where the storage and dining space can go. we need a lot of storage - for bicycles, maybe canoe, for suitcases, extra shopping etc and then gardening tools as the bedrooms are small.. 
5. I feel like I am self-sabotaging that I am not doing what I must do and I am feeling utterly miserable about the whole thing.. I know what I need to do, I just need to focus and put on my 5 minute timers. I know that what I am facing is a VERY COMMON PROBLEM.
6. Got ourselves a bench for a shoes and hats and for sitting down for the hall. I am thrilled how well it will help with the flow of the house and how I will not have to bite my tongue about anyone putting their shoes anywhere or on the carpet where Anagh plays.
7. Life sucks and I hate it. Nobody is ever going to love me. things my inner critic says - so patently untrue. I just googled that, 'why does my inner critic say blatant lies so loudly?' and the AI actually gave a good answer. I am pasting that at the bottom of this page. The links are pretty excellent too. 
8. Mummy and Papa are wonderful. I begged them to let me have my desk space and not keep walking into it so I could start working and finding focus again and they have done that now. It only took them 3 days to get a hang of what I was asking for. I am so grateful. Also, Mummy and Papa deal with all the extra washing of clothes and dishes - which is a lot. 
9. Claire called today - she was asking for 'a hook' in the legislation - heaven knows what she meant! I shared the document that I had written and apparently it answered her questions and she thanked me. We might be more similar than we realise - early promise, not quite realised, middle aged with some inner daemons that have only gotten stronger over the years. We are both really insecure. Unlike, Ema and Cassie? I think. 
10. This is my journal, and I am going to write 25 thoughts because then I can start working. I am getting a bit fed up with my own procrastination.
11. The GEMs job, they are referee checking Cass but Tumi hadn't heard from anyone. I ..well..  hard to put what my brain and gut are fighting over in words. guess the idea is just to wait and see what happens. 
12. Admin tasks that I am also procrastinating: tax return and updating mummy papa health insurance and car insurance to include Papa in the drivers list. 
13. Admin tasks that I have done: paid bills, organised the payment of my road fine. bloody hell, I missed my physio appointment yesterday - SO SO SO BUMMED about that! I had been counting down to it for weeks!! No one to blame but myself. 
14. I think if I die today and there was an epitaph for me on my gravestone, this would be it - no one to blame but myself. But i can honestly say that if i die today and there is one thing you could tell Anagh about his mum it would be - she chose the bigger life. 
15. Anagh's passport form - urgh - it has got stuck somewhere in the mail. i posted a tracked mail and lost the tracking number - what an idiot!! will have to do all of it again, if it doesn't reach Tanu this week.. 
16. What does successful look like for the slide deck that I am starting to produce? Thought I'll talk to Ingrid or Meryl about it but got pulled into this whole other admin-y type 
17. And then into phone chats and looking for food kind of thingy.. 
18. I am going to hurry this up and get on with the job. I really do need to finish this Menindee issues question and then get into a habit of delivering work fast.
19. the thing is read doc A, and read doc B, and rewrite doc B to flow from doc A.. 
20. ..
21. ,,
22. fjdj
23. dfkdaslkj
24. uereyrueyuasjf
25. that's it. 

Decoding the Inner Critic's Origins and Purpose | Psychology Today Australia

Your inner critic says blatant lies loudly because it is not acting as a rational judge of truth, but rather as a primitive, fear-based survival mechanism designed to "protect" you from emotional pain, rejection, or failure. It shouts in extreme, distorted, and irrational ways to command your attention and keep you within your comfort zone. 

Here is a breakdown of why this happens, based on psychological research:

Why It Lies (The "Protection" Mechanism)

• Preventing Future Pain: The critic believes that by harshly criticizing you, it is protecting you from making mistakes, being embarrassed, or experiencing failure.
• "Staying Small" for Safety: The voice often tries to keep you small or hidden to prevent you from being judged, abandoned, or rejected by others.
• Unresolved Past Pain: A loud inner critic is often rooted in past distress, trauma, or childhood, where you may have internalized the harsh criticisms of caregivers or peers.
• Cognitive Distortions: The critic uses "all-or-nothing" thinking (e.g., "If I fail this, I'm a total failure") or "catastrophizing," which are irrational, exaggerated patterns of thought. 

Why It Is So Loud

• Fear-Based Urgency: The brain’s threat system is activated, releasing cortisol and making the voice feel urgent and intense to force a "fight-or-flight" response.
• Habitual Thinking: The critic is a long-standing, habitual mental pattern that has become the default mode for handling stress, making it feel loud and unstoppable.
• Misinterpreted Internalization: The voice may sound like a loud, abusive authority figure from your past, making it feel more authoritative than your own rational thoughts. 

Common "Blatant Lies" It Tells

• "If you aren't hard on yourself, you'll become lazy": This convinces you that self-criticism is necessary for productivity, when it actually causes burnout.
• "You are a burden to others": This lie isolates you by making you fear that connecting with people will bring them down.
• "This one mistake means you are fundamentally flawed": The critic equates a single, momentary action with your entire identity. 

How to Handle It

• Recognize and Name It: Identify the critic as a "separate" voice (e.g., "Oh, there's my 'Destroyer' voice again") to create emotional distance.
• Fact-Check the Voice: Challenge the lie by asking, "Is this actually true?" or "What evidence do I have against this?".
• Treat Yourself Like a Friend: Ask if you would say these things to a loved one. If not, don't say them to yourself.
• Use Self-Compassion: Shift from trying to "fight" the voice (which makes it fight back harder) to treating yourself with kindness, which reduces the threat response. 

The inner critic is a misaligned survival tool; its goal is safety, but its method is destructive.