7 things to write about

 1. How quickly things change - I am not struggling at work. I can credit this to a couple of things that have happened recently - having a chat with Bhai and me reading  Ben Crowe's Where the Light Gets In. It's literally all Bhagwad Gita

• do not worry about things that you cannot control - and you cannot control what other people think, or what the outcome is.
• Play is verb, Love is noun - Fear is the opposite. Follow your 'play' - when you were in the flow? Play-purpose-potential or as Krishna say, follow your dharma - what you are good at, what you are gifted at, what your role is, what is needed.
• dedicate your actions to someone.. Krishna, the dearest friend and charioteer, says dedicate all your actions to Me.  

continued about a fortnight later.. 

2. Keeping my balance at work feels like slacklining - I get a few steps in, it feels awesome and I feel stable and confident, till I don't, till I find myself on the floor starting all over again. But that's okay, that's alright. that is progress. 

3. Feeling a bit anxious about Daddyji coming.. and continuing about a week later, now that he is here feeling guilty and caught up in a difficult situation. Like yesterday, he asked if he could watch Indian news on the TV and I just straight up said no - because if I had said yes, the TV would be his and the volume would be high and we could never say no. I do feel guilty about it and have wondered am I making this up? I don't think so.. if you ever ask him - come for chai Daddyji - his standard reply is no. If mummy offers him dinner early - he says no. If mummy suggests he drinks some water so he doesn't get dehydrated because of the heat - he puts his hands up and tells her to leave him in peace. it is a tough gig. it, of course, makes me/us feel horrible because we could be more generous hosts but daddyji chooses not to ever feel good - and then blames us for his choice. 

4. that of course makes me wonder if I am doing that too - and now 3 days later - do I do that to other people? do I do that to Vicky or Roopam or Mama etc.?

5. I was listening to that Chinese story of the man who lost his horse: The Chinese farmer story ("Maybe") is a famous Daoist tale about a farmer whose horse runs away. When the neighbours call it bad luck, the farmer says, "Maybe." The horse returns with wild horses (good luck), his son breaks a leg (bad luck), and the son is spared from war (good luck), with the farmer always responding, "Maybe," highlighting that life is a complex, interconnected process where a "bad" event may lead to a "good" one, and vice-versa. And maybe, even that life is what we make of it. 

6. I was also trying to think of my best times in life - and there are none. There's always something that is not quite right. When I was at school, there was always homework and friends to worry about, in high school I was wondering if I'd get into a good place at Uni - my undergrad days were pretty good, but i was a bit bummed that i wasn't at Delhi Uni. Jamia was a good time but I was bummed that I wasn't at VJTI. Time in Melbourne was definitely not good and a whole lot of walking on egg shells with Mama yelling and Mami freezing me out. Early days in Canberra was fantastic but Mummy made my life miserable about not getting married. And then I bought the apartment and got married and both of those were actually difficult times. Time with Chicory was blissful except I was short of money, the house was a mess, felt stuck in my career, was trying for IVF (Yay!!) and I was always worried that one day he won't be around. Pregnancy was a genuinely great time because I was able to exercise and I decided that if I worry it is going to affect baby's mental health. And then delivery should have been awesome (and really was - I had the best people around me) but I was getting rid of the cockroaches the day before I was going to deliver, and I was closing the deal on the house after my waters had broke and I should have been labouring. Then after the really brilliant doctors and nurse at the hospital was an absolute b i t c h, I mean, I can't even.. It was really good to have Tanu tell me to focus so strongly on the brilliant people around me and MOST IMPORTANTLY my beautiful baby that I pay no heed to the negativity. That when I look back at this time all I remember is the bliss and the gratitude - and I do! I really remember the doctors with so much love and gratitude and regard. And then bub was 3 weeks old, we moved houses - there was no baby bubble to retrieve back to, no place to breastfeed with movers everywhere. The steps were so difficult for mummy. But I remember those days so fondly, my perfect little baby. Then we moved to Adelaide and we were sleep deprived and socially starved and Daddyji arrived and my god! I cannot believe they did that to me and mummy! but Bec was there too - and now, it is easy to laugh about the insanity of it all! But, oh I forget, I was trying to prepare the apartment for sale and trying to organise our new home, and Mummy was driving herself to the edge because of how messy the place was!! And then the apartment sold for about 20k less than what i was hoping and i haven't been able to return Tanu's 20k and Mama's 15k and I have been worrying about money since then.. and so much.. that I have finally decided if I cannot enjoy this time in real time I will never have a good time in my life. It's okay, money will figure itself out. I will also lose weight. Mummy and Papa are fit and healthy, Anagh is a little baby - curious and full of beans, and so good looking!

and that brings me to 

7. This time is so precious, half my life is over, and so unexpectedly, I have been given such a wonderful opportunity to have my baby and Ma and Papa to spend it with. and I keep wasting it, procrastinating work, watching TV. It feels like sh#it. I have to change this. I am working on changing this. That's what this was all about.. this is all what this was all about.