He came into my life on Krishna Janmashtami (5 Sept, 2015) and left it about ten years later on Ganesh Chaturthi (on 27 August, 2025). I miss him so much and yet, he was there when I needed him most, and left me when he knew I had got across that phase in life where I had been alone - he stayed for as long as it took to get my family around me again. He was a blessing for me in the truest sense of the word and I truly think he was sent by Yamraj and was
my Nachiketa. He loved listening to Hanuman Chalisa and died in my lap listening to Jai SiaRam Jai Hanuman and no medication could make him lose his consciousness till I finally said to him that it was okay, Hanumanji was coming to get him and he had nothing to be afraid of. He left with Hanumanji for Ganeshji's birthday party where he ate the best soft-serve in the world and methi thepla and most importantly the special puha that satiated him!
He was unimaginably brave and generous and kind from the very beginning and right till the end. I did not deserve him, for when can anyone deserve a grace so pure and playful. I will always be grateful to him and to the Universe for him. I am truly grateful to Hanumanji for keeping him safe and loved now, and whenever I remember Hanumanji, I know Chicory is close by.
Death feels so big and permanent, it feels like it overshadows life itself. I feel like I should make a note of his last days while they are still fresh in my mind. That his abdomen started to fill with fluid weeks before and I kept saying, hold on a bit longer, Papa will be here and then you will get the care you need. And he held on. On the night before he was sleeping in his bed in the drawing room, as was usual I went in and tucked him in his blanket, and as was often the case near the end, he knew this chapter was coming to an end, he looked at me to say, I hope you know these are the precious last days. I wish I could have got him to sleep in the bed with me, but Anagh and mummy were also sleeping in the bed with me and I couldn't. There were so many things that I could have done better, cared for him a bit more, these I regret but I also know my love was small like the weeds on the beach and the Universal Love where he is now is like the big tidal wave that clears it all out. I know if C could look at me now, he'd say oh don't worry, I am SO HAPPY, SO LOVED, SO COMFORTABLE right now, there is NO discomfort, no Fear, nothing but Love, it doesn't matter what you were or weren't able to do. it doesn't compare. And I wish I could hug him again and let him go. Death feels so big and permanent. There's no coming back for one more hug. Tho, he did come back. He came back as the magpie who visited when I returned after the cremation - I know it was him, just the way I knew when he got into the car that he will probably not come back that day. Because the doctors had given up on him long ago and if I was taking him back to the doctors that meant that I was out of options as well. Because it was Ganesh Chaturthi and it was a good day to die.
Right now Anagh is about 8 months old and learning something called object permanence, i.e., the understanding that whether an object can be sensed has no effect on whether it continues to exist. This is a fundamental concept studied in the field of developmental psychology, the subfield of psychology that addresses the development of young children's social and mental capacities. There is not yet scientific consensus on when the understanding of object permanence emerges in human development.. It seems like I am learning about object permanence of my own. The Gita says,
na jaayate' mriyate' vaa kadaachin naayam bhuthva bhavithaa na bhooyah: / ajo nithyah saasvato'yam puraano na hanyate' hanyamaane' sareere'
The Spirit is neither born nor does it die at any time. It does not come into being or cease to exist. It is unborn, eternal, permanent, and primeval. The Spirit is not destroyed when the body is destroyed. (2.20)
vaasaamsi jeernaani yathaa vihaaya navaani gr.hnaathi naro' paraani / thathaa sareeraani vihaaya jeernany-anyaani samyaathi navaani de'hi
Just as a person puts on new garments after discarding the old ones, similarly, the living entity or the individual soul acquires new bodies after casting away the old bodies. (2.22)
avyaktho' yam achinthyo' yam avikaaryo' yam uchyate' / thamaad e'vam vidhithvainam naanusochitum-arhasi
The Spirit is said to be unexplainable, incomprehensible, and immutable. Knowing the Spirit as such, you should not grieve for the physical body. (2.25)
jaathasya hi dhruvo mr.thyur dhr.uvam janma mr.thasya cha / thasmaad aparihaarye'rthe' na thvam sochithum-arhasi
All beings are unmanifest, or invisible to our physical eyes, before birth and after death. They manifest between the birth and the death only. What is there to grieve about? (2.28)
