Finding it insanely hard to focus at work

just that. 

deleted the poker machine that is facebook, tho, i still had to download the messenger.

like typing on a keyboard that has moved the keys and i can no longer touch type. and after spending ten minutes trying to do something that used to take 30 seconds, i am just so frustrated and irritated, that i give up. and then go on doing things that are not a priority and then i stress. it really is rubbish. 

also a billion other legitimate things that I need to do, like bank, book A's vaccination etc. etc. 

and finally, 

the overwhelm. at work. 

So what I have done is, in the spirit of keeping the pin*, here is something that I am trying to do: “You can sit here and write, or you can sit here and do nothing, but you can't sit here and do anything else." 

When a cheeky young fellow passenger presented Gandhi with what he called a journal named Scandal Times and asked for comments, Gandhi removed the pin from the sheets, returned the sheets, kept the pin and said, 'Thank you very much'. 

Please look after this bear. Thank you.

It is book week and that's how I stumbled across a little kid dressed as Paddington Bear with the tag round his neck, Please look after this bear. Thank you.

Sometimes we are fine as adults, we are capable and our aura is protective and strong.. and we go on with our lives just fine.. but sometimes, we are, either inside of us or by circumstances, vulnerable to the world and a person/ some people in it - and at that time, the hope is that that person who has the power over our lives, will choose the kinder option.

My mum often says to my little baby, छोटे बच्चे को तो सब पारी करते हैं। छोटे बच्चे को तो कोई तंग नहीं करता।  and it is hard to translate it exactly in English - little babies are only to be loved by everybody, nobody is ever mean/annoying to the little baby. And then when that baby grows up, I guess, people who love and have loved that baby still hope - that they never lose that innocence that trust in the world and nobody is ever mean to them... 

When I first left home, that was the big thing for me - at home, I had always been safe, I was wanted and loved, and if I needed care, I was cared for. Oh it wasn't perfect, there was enough screaming and yelling but at the heart of it, I knew I was wanted and loved. 

When I left home, I went to my uncle and auntie's house to the other side of the globe - and I was no longer wanted, I was trespassing*, and I had to grow the fuck up and behave like an adult and earn my keep - while everyone else in that house was wanted and loved and had to do nothing of the sort. And that is what is hard about leaving home, that loss of innocence. I think that is why I am SO PROTECTIVE of Chicory against all my family, and I think that is also one of the reasons why I am still not married - because I still haven't been able to heal myself from that betrayal/trauma. 

They had a chance to be kind and they chose to give me the silent treatment (my aunt) or scream and yell (my uncle) and honestly, they were not always horrible - they just made sure that I never knew when either of them was going to blow up, and to make sure that I was never really comfortable or relaxed. Personally, I need to make sense of that, heal that child that left home, because until I do that I will never let myself be that vulnerable to anyone new ever again. 

In the meantime, for all the Paddington Bears are out there**, and here's hoping that we, just like their Aunty asked us to,  Please look after this bear. Thank you.

*my uncle had a habit of collecting strays (whether or not they were strays) and my aunty had a habit of resenting every one of us and making sure that each one of us knew that we were not wanted there. They did it Boozo the dog, who ran away.. they did it me, who tried running away.. and then they also did it to my grandparents, who also ran away.. as long as they could, anyway.

**who are all those children in Gaza.. 

Dad's here

Dad's here. He picked up on the fact that C is really quite sick. And gave AJ the space to get familiar with him. And recognised that I am stressed about work. 

And home is feeling like home to both Ma and me! And C obviously! And I am sure to AJ as well!

What a blessing Dad is! May the Universe protect and keep him safe always!! 

The overwhelm continues.

It is 2am and everyone is asleep, beautiful C at my feet, as always - gentle and present - how I love him.  He fills the silence with peace, with calm, a contented heart. The vague terrors of a curtain twitching or a darker shadow outside the window - they lose their hold. I am safe and I am happy and I am seen and I am loved- like I am with no one else ever. He knows that and I know that and hopefully that is enough. I will never be able to thank him enough for what he has meant to me, I will never be able to love him enough - but if there is any good in the Universe and I know there is - may That Power keep him and bless him. And bless me that I get to enjoy our time together for a bit longer yet. It amazes me that people don't see this - it's like someone sees these words and see no meaning just random patches of black and white. Oh well. 

It's 2 am and everyone is asleep, I am writing this blog, because the day hasn't worked out like it was meant to. I got my periods back after pregnancy - after 493 days tells my app - first time since April last year, and that sounds right. Thankfully my pain has gone from a solid 8 (out of 10) to a beautiful 2 (out of 10) - may that last! but I still needed to sleep during the day, so I did.. I wasn't able to take C out for walks - absolutely essential for him to lose the fluids in his belly - or feed him as often as he needed. I also was not able to sit down and focus enough to get anything done. When I did sit on the laptop, I was so overwhelmed that I wasted my time dreaming about a garden - essential but not urgent! (It's as if I can either take care of C or A or me - which is dumb, and I need to level up)  I looked up a way to do a brain dump of my to-do list and after wasting a bit more time because my desk looks like a bombs hit it and I need a pad not a notebook to make my list (??!) I have decided to write here - which honestly, is already helping.. 

And okay, here goes nothing:

• Write up for Lower Namoi 
• the documentation that is available is not the latest info, so I do the write up based on what's available with notes from the meeting. also, confirm that results with the science folks. mostly useful to set the format, the content will have to be updated. but also might not be able to be updated, in which case, it should reflect what we know above and beyond what is formally documented. 
• Photograph my desk for flex working arrangements
• this is the most fun thing ever. I like tidying my desk so it makes sense. I have things around to help me fix it. what is going on then!? I feel like I should go walk the dog? or listen to bub babbling away? or eat something? 
• I need to have a place for pens. A rough notepad for throw away notes. A proper diary for actual work, I think. My headphones. Hourglasses.
• The wires need to be sorted and put away. 
• The real dilemma is what do I with my chair and my walking treadmill. that is the real dilemma. Can be fixed last.
• Business case for 100pc work from home? 
• Plan my project deliverables 
• Another fun one, why am I not doing it? because I can never find the latest info without digging into strange chats!! why is info stored in chats - it isn't, but it is, if you know what i mean. 
• need a couple of documents and then it would be easy. what documents, you ask? well..
• the list of relevant units for my project.
• maybe whether these units have approved or so far unapproved information available. 
• the batch list that is going for submission - or which my relevant units are a subset.
• the list of relevant meetings that are being set. 

There are also home admin that I need to do.. and what I need for that is a place to write them up. As mummy has astutely noticed they happen when I write them down. 

hmm.. it is nearly 3am.. A will be about to wake up again. it was good getting this quiet time. hopefully i will get things done tomorrow and Sunday. and of course, Monday. without any further fancy to-do apps.  

Things on my mind

Spending the day on the desk because even tho nothing is getting done, it is better than being away from it. But I am distracted and the things on my mind are:

Chicory is sick. Again. He abdomen is very bloated - I found him shivering - took him for a walk and that seems to have helped. I have been feeding him yogurt and rice, just a small fistful per meal. I trialled some soup sachet with shitake mushroom and a bit of fish and chicken - but hints of oil in it and boiled with rice. It seems to have made him worse. It is tough taking care of someone who is that sick, but of course, it is tougher on C - I wish he would lived a healthier life, but he is a BRAVE soul and he finds the strength to pick himself again and again, and doesn't give in. I pray and pray that he leaves this world in peace and without a lot of suffering. Papa is coming in another week - and last time Papa helped him get all better, maybe he can do that again. Anyway, it will be good for C to have Papa near him. Except Papa will also have Mummy, Daddyji and Anagh vying for his attention. Poor boy. I wish I could have given him what he truly deserves, this beautiful brave kind soul. But I pray that Hanumanji will. He will also give him a good death. I hope Hanumanji gives us all a good death. 

Work is a bit hard to get a handle on. Why? I am not entirely sure. I think scribbling this would help. Even writing this was driving me bonkers because the computer had some 'cookies' issue and I wouldn't let me log into my google account to be able to write here. Teething troubles. Finding files is not intuitive. Very easy to get distracted by Anagh and C. Not easy to find someone at work to talk to, process things with. But sitting on the desk helps.. 

Separately, spoke with Girish* over WhatsApp and looked at photos of Anuj's* home in Houston.. remembered Puja's place in San Francisco and I rationally understand this is stupid but I wonder what if I had stayed in computers... what would my life looked like right now.. more money? a husband? What was I telling Bhai when he had to refuse a dream offer recently... that what he's meant to have will be his... and what is meant for me will be mine too.. 

normally when I get in a funk like this I love it if I can go for a run.. right now my body is feeling weird.. I am not sure if I enjoyed being pregnant and feeling my baby inside - I am not sure if I didn't - I don't really remember, but I am not missing it right now. I like my baby on the outside better! I didn't solely focus on being pregnant, giving birth and having a tiny baby - I was too busy doing so many other things at the same time as well - some times that makes me sad, that I let such an incredible experience go without really enjoying it - but mostly I try to remind myself of my big door prize and the family I have now, I wouldn't care which ever how I had got them, the thing is that I got them!

But I wanted to write about my body being really weird and strange and a crazy odd shape. and the joints go clickity clacks and core muscle feel like a boiled noodle. The hormones are doing something, and I doubt if it is all good ;P  The clothes don't fit me anymore and definitely don't feel clean or flattering. nor do i feel smart in these... Even my hair looks nothing like it used to - and even at it's worst it used to look good. my face has so many chins.. (I can't even brush A's hair properly. I seem to have forgotten how.) you get the sense..  i needed to sit down and put it on paper. I wanted to write it so I can then do something about it, or choose not to. 

Writing this has taken me hours - with a couple of walks for C, some playtime and food time with A, and such interruptions. Now mum's left her dinner half eaten and is with A so I can have a moment to myself. I am not complaining, I am thrilled, but it's like being in a new city, no matter how thrilled you are to be here, you still have to figure out the way to the grocers and find a new hairdresser. There is a new routine that I am trying to set and I need a moment to sit down and figure it out.         

There is reformer about to arrive, I had promised myself ONE gift for all that I managed to get through.. well all that I did.. working, buying a house, selling a house, and moving cities with a 3 week old baby, and yes, going thru IVF, growing a baby and giving birth.. and it nearly didn't happen, the banks needed more money than i had anticipated, but thankfully, it is happening, I am waiting for it to arrive. then my watch broke.. my garmin forerunner 935 - that had taken me running for the longest while, so I bought a new Garmin forerunner 255 music - because the music and the non-music options costed the same $443. And this was 39% off.. I mean it is nuts.. and just to reiterate the earlier point, I read somewhere that the biggest cost to the company is the software written for these! Sigh! 

 What else, I am sooo grateful for the house we are in! I mean the monthly mortgage costs me my fortnightly salary.. but it is okay, it is worth it. There is so much I am trying to get done here.. but even if I get nothing done, I can live with it..** (maybe once my repayment hits 30% of my salary, I can get the kitchen re-done. maybe.) Once Papa comes and Mum and Papa and Anagh can give me uninterrupted couple of hours, I can in that time tidy up the house, vacuum and mop it.  

I can also start working on the garden.. the previous guys have concreted nearly the whole yard - and when I say nearly, I mean literally.. they have concreted nearly the whole yard. The remaining bits is full of invasive species and need to be taken out - there is so much agapanthus in the yard! I have put in two wattle that the council gave me - I thought I had killed one, but it seems to be coming back! I did kill two tea trees because I did not put them in the soil - for which I will now feel guilty forever. (Hopefully not!) 

For the garden what I want is - fruit trees and veggie garden and a space for the adults to sit and for Anagh to play. I would love a productive forest, with trees and bushes and shrubs and groundcover. I would love for it to be visible from the dining/living room. I have paid good money for a course in organic gardening - I need to now listen to the lessons and apply them. 

I also need to hire a jackhammer and break the concrete in places. Especially the concrete where the hedge would go... and where the fruit trees would go. I also cannot for the life of me make sense of all these walls the previous owners have put in the yard.. it just makes the whole place look so small. All I want is for the whole place to look lovely and green. They have put THREE rainwater harvesting tanks - brilliant and barely a patch of green!! well more than just a small patch of green.. but you know what I mean..  

Today is a good day, today I am getting my thoughts down. It has been so long since I have had a chance to do that. And so many thoughts I have had floating around my head, talking about some of them - money, my garden, my Chicory, my body - in about 1400 words - feels good. Others will have to wait till I get there - I had started this post as lists post - gratitude and goals and things to-do..  but I could definitely talk a lot more about money, the garden/yard, the house and the few things that I need to get done to make it nicer to live in, my body - and how it doesn't quite feel normal yet.. and perhaps my baby - tho, I am not certain that this is a good place to talk about my baby. 

*Girish Chabbra and Anuj Jaiswal - because if I forget it will bother me!!
**it basically leaves me with about $700 per week for everything else. Thanks to Mummy Papa, I don't have to spend anything on childcare, and so I can live with that.. the bits I need to review are: insurance, solar panels (can i afford them?), rates/taxes, returning money to Tanu $20k and Mama $15k. 

With A in Adelaide

Let's see if I can string words together to make a sentence, and a few sentences together to present an idea.. I think I can do the first, I doubt I can do the second effectively.. 

Back at work part-time - for two months. 

Anagh has been here for half a year. So much to say about A that it is hard to put it all in words. I am not sure if I want to, on the web. Funny story tho, I spoke to an acquaintance and didn't tell her about A, and then became friends with her on FB, and have her as a connection on Instagram and Watsapp - so now, I can't even allude to A on social media - pretty happy about that actually. 

Money - one day I will stop worrying about money. Hmm, one day, I'll go back to those days when I had money sitting in my savings, and having completely forgotten about it. I wish I had invested that money. Right now, well, I want to hire a landscaper, get a wall bed installed, return money I've borrowed from people and uff, have an option to put a swimming pool in the backyard. Right now, I am wondering if I should keep my health insurance or change it to something cheaper. I have decided not to eat out at a restaurant till I have returned the money. Right now I have no savings. But right now I am living in a house that I really like. With people I absolutely love. And have been arguing with all morning and yesterday. The lowest point was when in the middle of my losing my cool with mum, A smiled at me, like all's okay, right? and I didn't smile back. Mum is truly fed up that the house isn't tidy. I am too. She thinks it's my fault. 

Money surely greases the wheels.. I am grateful to those who leant me money, and to those who gave me money, and definitely to those who gave me money.. and such and such. 

So much more to say. will have to find words soon and come back. 

34 weeks

Currently 34 weeks pregnant and feeling more irritated than pretty much anything else.. gratitude and a bit of anxiety