I don't want to be this person either.

 1. Anagh has got a fever today - looks like a mild viral infection at the moment and we are managing it with simple paracetamol and nurofen - and I noticed something while looking up at the dosage chart. Babies between 3-6 months weigh 6-8kgs, babies between 6-12months weigh 8-10kgs, babies between 1-3 YEARS weigh 10-14kgs. The growth that I have seen in 3 months (on average) will take years! I sometimes feel sad that I wasn't able to be a stay at home mom.

2. In fact, I feel like such an absent mom - I still do things the way I used to, I feel like I haven't really changed in a significant way, and so, things keep falling off my list.. like right now at 10.52pm on a Sunday night and I have yet to write my briefing up for a meeting tomorrow morning at 11am. Feeling rather frustrated with myself, tbh. Was listening to an interview of James Clear, the Atomic Habits guy, and he was asked - what's the resistance? why do I not do things that I want to do? James' answer was identity*.. you probably don't identify as the kind of person who would have that habit. I think my identity is pretty messed up right now. Without Chicory, and the person I used to be, who could at any time do pretty much whatever I wanted - including just have some quiet time to finish writing my document. 

3. That kind of time is so difficult to find now, and the fact that I want it - is making me uncomfortable. Like I used to be able to say, I have come from the shops and now I am going to sit down and just finish my work in the next couple of hours. Can't do that anymore. Like I used to be at my desk in the office in about 15 minutes top, again - takes over an hour to get there and I feel horrible about missing out on time with Anagh at this time because I can't be disciplined enough. Like I would walk up and down the apartment, deep in my thoughts, with Chicory always there for a hug and wanting a bite of something to eat, and now there are so many people at home - I can't just have that quiet wander. I'm not complaining (tho, it was nice when Chicory was here - but I want to let him go in peace, and not hold him or keep pulling him back..) what I am saying is - I still feel like the person I was when I lived in my apartment with Chicory, my instincts are still more like that person than the person who has a baby and who lives in a family - and that is fair on no one. 

4. What kind of a person would have nailed the briefing by Friday? Meera? Cassie? Mandy? Will Lugg? Meera said MDBA was nuts, Matt Henderson said the same thing, so did Nina Allen - round and round in circles we go, 'got burnt out by the times I kept hitting dead ends'. On Friday Tim Goodes was making a joke about hanging himself from the hook behind his office door. Pretty dark joke. And I don't want to be anything like Will Lugg or Mandy. But it is 11.31pm and I still have the whole document to write and instead I am writing this. I don't want to be this person either. 

*Krishna says with detachment and practice, in the Gita)