Monday, 8 July 2013

guess what, i really am fine.

I had a bit of an irritating moment today when someone told me I thought I was fine, but I really couldn't be. It has happened before, when I was told I would be angry with my Mum, but I shouldn't be.

Now, in a similar way to how I tested myself for depression, let me check if i really am fine. Unfortunately, there is no website called, but here are a few questions i tend to ask myself:
a. can I celebrate when people around me are happy?
b. do i compare myself to them?
c. am i screaming or getting upset with people around me?
d. am i angry with people around me?
e. am i having any trouble trusting people around me?
f. do i find myself crying or getting upset at random times?
g. am i contributing to the happiness of people around me?
h. do people have to bite their tongue when they speak to me?
i. am i able to appreciate the generosity of  my family and friends?
h. do i remember to say thank you?
j. do i think i am perfect?
k. am i aware of the mistakes i tend to repeat often? ie, i am unable to achieve the desired goal?
l. do i have a plan to change?
m. what happens when i change the word people to Mum in questions a thru h?

i won't go into the details of it (tho, i probably should) but i really am fine, and i love my mum. i am aware of a lot of mistakes i make: i don't cook well, i should have a cleaner room, i should be at work earlier, where i can definitely focus better, i should perhaps try and arrive sooner at venues and i struggle a bit with coming back to an empty house while my friend is away - but i really am not bitter or angry. i am not even postponing happiness, when i get agitated, i know how to deal with myself.

i don't know how to explain this, and i wish i could because honestly I would be invincible if I could only keep this up. but seriously, paraphrasing Ramkrishna Paramhansa, deal with the Life as a whole and you realise that it makes up for the shit, if you only give it a chance, if you are game enough to keep playing.

PS: and yes, i tend to write stupid posts when i return to an empty house and don't have anyone to speak to!! 
PPS: both these people referred to in the first paragraph actually don't see me everyday...


Anonymous said...

Actually what he said was, "deal with God."

neha said...

Yes, he did! (and what awesome advice that is :)