I had a lovely dream this morning. It was such an unusual dream for me that I asked and found out later it was because of what Mummy and Papa were talking about around me while I slept. Apparently Mummy was very frustrated with all the home renovations that occur around their apartment in Delhi that leave a lots of dust for all the people who live there. My dream was about these heavy rains and massive winds that were battering down on my apartment. In my dream the glass balustrade were fluttering like a kite in the wind, but the storm ended and nothing was damaged and we survived it. There was a gorgeous guy in the dream too who felt as instinctively comfortable as breathing, or Chicory - it's exactly the same thing.
It is wonderful to wake up with a feeling that we have already weathered the storm and come out at the other end unscathed.
I am doing a lot of journaling these days, because there are so many half baked thoughts in my head and no place to fully bake and land them and let them go. In no particular order:
* there is a mild regret that I will never be a young person growing up with a young partner. that that ship has sailed and while I have enjoyed being a young person who got a chance to learn about myself - what I want, don't want, what I will put up with, not put up with, when push comes to shove how will I rise to the challenge and when will I fall to the level of my habits, and when I will rise to the voice of my heart's aspirations, and where will I go for help and how well will I ask for and give help and love and friendship. I also wish that I could have done it with someone. I was watching Enola Holmes 2 and in the movie the mother, Eudoria Holmes has this line: "You know, I sometimes think I brought you up to be too independent. .. I did it with all of you. Your purpose must be to find who you are. You, Sherlock, Mycroft. Strong, formidable, individual children, but, well, perhaps a little lonely. You will do very well on your own, Enola. But with others, you could be magnificent." As someone who grew up reading books like Sherlock Holmes and by Swami Vivekanada, and perhaps self-editing to read only such books that did not quite show how magnificent people could be with others. Living at Mama's place, I took it to heart that Hell is other people. Anyway, who knows the why and the wherefores of life, I just wish I didn't have to lose one to have another, I wish I had had a stroke of fantastic luck. But now, I will appreciate ALL the good luck I get, and maybe I needed that more than I needed the good luck and the comfort of that luck.
* bills to pay, and money to recover! what more can I say about that!
* writing: I have hidden this deep in this post and that is not an accident. I want to hold it like a secret that only gets revealed, like a seed buried in the soil, in the taste of a fruit. But I wrote to George Saunders to ask for advice and he replied. I am to go back to the best pieces I have read and go thru them line by line to figure out why i like them so and what makes them work. So simple, obvious and completely unexpected. I cannot wait to get started.
* work: I bring a unique skillset to this team, but my work is different to what I have done before. I have an opportunity to use my experience to really do outstanding work, or I may use my trump card to just get by without any extra work. I have, far too often, done the latter, I want to excel this time.
* periods and cramps and bloating and stomachache - are on my mind. I wish. I'm not sure what but something better.
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