i cannot give up trying

have you seen someone dance to a music you cannot hear? sometimes that is what me observing myself feels like! you wouldn't believe the kind of grief i went thru to get my apartment done, and then i got myself a dog - a dog that will mean that i eventually have to leave my apartment. a dog in an apartment meaning that the dog that won't entirely be mine.

if i think hard enough and try to decipher it, it's basically that i refused to postpone - i refused to postpone making my home a place i really want to be, unless it had a backyard and a husband. its like, there is somewhere deep within me a picture of what my life should look like, and i am trying to put them together with whatever comes to hand... so sometimes it seems like i am painting the birds before the clouds, the clouds before the sky...

how does one choose between what gives life beauty and what supports life? without one i will not want to live, without the other i cannot live. but why do you have to choose, you ask? because somehow it ends up with either postponing life, or making choices like the above... because i end up trying to squash about a hundred things in my day to keep up with myself - oh the tyranny of desires (sometimes even good desires)! oh the recklessness of not simplifying life! oh the sweet bitterness of having a choice - that for all its thorns is a rose I will never give up!