I am sore today, couldn't sleep last night. Started worrying, and it has made things worse today. Chicory is catching up on his sleep this morning, which is a bit funny because the only reason he needs to do that is because all my tossing and turning meant that he couldn't sleep. I'm not sure if he needs it or not, but I drag him under the covers at night - it does get very cold in Canberra at night and there is no heating. I think if I don't have him under the covers, he'll just sleep on top of them, and then I'll be uncomfortable. Something to be said about having a duvet under and over you.
I should drink enough water and go to the gym today. been getting weird side stitches recently. not sure what it is - could be that my bra is too tight, i tried to buy one my size but they didn't have those so I bought the size I already had, sometimes I am really very smart and that might lead to sarcasm too. Or it could be that my digestion is a bit off - I went to donate plasma and they gave me these really delicious antacids and now I eat them like toffees. I don't think that would be a good thing. Or maybe I am eating midnight snacks. Shouldn't stress, should sleep, aah, same same same. round and round we go.
What's with me and crushes - currently crushing on Bertie Carvel (why?? well, that head of curly waves as Jonathan Strange is very cute, and maybe something about being an over thinker, don't know!) was previously crushing on Lee Pace (again way?? I loved his interview about he prepared for a role, but Pushing Daisies is tough to watch and what they did to Foundation is beyond criminal.) I forget and find photos on my phone, presumably those that I downloaded to share with Dashi. It is funny.
My physiological anxiety (ie, reflected as Heart Rate Variability as measured by my Garmin) is lower recently. I think it has to do with the fact that Mummy Papa are here and I am no longer lonely. They really are the best parents in the world, i don't think i could have put up with me, if I was them. But sometimes I wish I had my husband and kid also and also a bigger home. Also, they keep coming and going which is a bit difficult because when they are here they are really helpful and do everything and change all the systems. And at the moment, my place is a mess and I am paying stupid $400 a month for storage because I couldn't finish cleaning it. It is bloody annoying and irritating and I am almost entirely irritated with myself. Because I know I am being irrational and unkind and I feel like I wouldn't mind smashing things to bits and that is not how I should feel.
Also sometimes I like having an empty house to myself - which is stupid because loneliness is worse than smoking cigarettes, and don't I know it!!?
Why do i only have two choices on the internet: either looking at ads or looking at how the world is burning?
Had a chat with Anubha Di about whether I should give up on Kathak classes - whether to keep things ticking along, or decide that when I do things, I do them well. I had already messaged to say I won't be attending classes till 18 July when we finally spoke and I think we landed on "be intentional and aim for excellence." I wish I had enough energy to be intentional about at least two or three things - the last time I was really intentional about work (which, by the way, has reaped incredible benefits) I would give up on cleaning my house, doing my exercise etc. etc. I would like to be intentional about the following:
- Home - why don't I have an instagram worthy home? really there is NO reason, except that I can't seem to have throw away all the rubbish. I think I am going to try and not buy anything for the next 6 months.
- Running and fitness - strength training and running a marathon.
- WORK - I really need to make the most of the time that I am not sick, I have a good manager who is able to give me useful direction, and I don't have some weird emergency going on at home, like handymen not showing up or having water drip from my laundry to the apartment below. (I might be exaggerating but not greatly.)
- Writing - ah! where do I even start!!?
- At some point in future: violin and pottery and line drawing and generally making things.
I keep a tracking calendar and I need to track both how I am keeping the engine going and also how I am using the engine...
To keep the engine going, these things are essential:
- mental health
- sleep
- water
- diet - protein, fibre, multivitamins
- exercise
- and usually, C's walk and diet. I can't seem to ever do it as well as Papa does.
Today I WILL get a few things ticked off my list. I will do my best and by best will be enough. But I will be intentional about how many things I will put on my plate and I will try to aim for excellence. If it sounds contradictory, it is not, it is paradoxical and that is just how life is.
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