All things shining

I have this thing, it is only self diagnosed, but I get pretty depressed at bedtime. Somewhere after dinner and before going to bed, I am tired of striving, of failing, and feel like at a bottom of a well - like no matter how hard I try, I'll never get anywhere, nothing will change, nothing will become better, I will never get to live the life of my dreams - you know the vision chart that I created - the one with beautiful old trees, and beautiful sunrises, with big family dinners and husbands and children and puppies and babies playing together, and music, and pottery, and art. 

Sometime around that time, almost without fail, I mutter to myself - I wish I was just dead - and I try to go to sleep. Imagine standing in the middle of a room trashed, throwing up your hands in despair and just going to bed.  

And I'll hug my softest, warmest ball of furr and love and everything that is beautiful in this world - worry a bit more about how I might have to live in a world without C in it - wish I really was dead - and listening to an audiobook, somehow go to sleep. 

The rest of the day, I will enjoy the world.. this beautiful world that I get to be a part of…  but when the sun sets, there are dark shadows waiting by the pillow. 

A wonderful thing happened recently, I came across Grant Faulkner's book called Pep Talks for Writers, on Audible. I listen to it while in bed, and so I couldn't precisely tell you what it says - but it argues for a creative life in the midst of the striving and the sadness, he tells me about the quiet shadows waiting for most people when they come to their silent judgemental desks and he talks me out of believing what I see there - and I go to sleep. Suddenly becoming aware of the black shadows, and with a gentle reminder that there is a beautiful bright world outside of these shadows.. where I will remember the world behind the one I can see, the world where there is only love! 

Oh my soul, let me be in you now. Look out thru my eyes, look at the things you’ve made. All things shining.