Please look after this bear. Thank you.

It is book week and that's how I stumbled across a little kid dressed as Paddington Bear with the tag round his neck, Please look after this bear. Thank you.

Sometimes we are fine as adults, we are capable and our aura is protective and strong.. and we go on with our lives just fine.. but sometimes, we are, either inside of us or by circumstances, vulnerable to the world and a person/ some people in it - and at that time, the hope is that that person who has the power over our lives, will choose the kinder option.

My mum often says to my little baby, छोटे बच्चे को तो सब पारी करते हैं। छोटे बच्चे को तो कोई तंग नहीं करता।  and it is hard to translate it exactly in English - little babies are only to be loved by everybody, nobody is ever mean/annoying to the little baby. And then when that baby grows up, I guess, people who love and have loved that baby still hope - that they never lose that innocence that trust in the world and nobody is ever mean to them... 

When I first left home, that was the big thing for me - at home, I had always been safe, I was wanted and loved, and if I needed care, I was cared for. Oh it wasn't perfect, there was enough screaming and yelling but at the heart of it, I knew I was wanted and loved. 

When I left home, I went to my uncle and auntie's house to the other side of the globe - and I was no longer wanted, I was trespassing*, and I had to grow the fuck up and behave like an adult and earn my keep - while everyone else in that house was wanted and loved and had to do nothing of the sort. And that is what is hard about leaving home, that loss of innocence. I think that is why I am SO PROTECTIVE of Chicory against all my family, and I think that is also one of the reasons why I am still not married - because I still haven't been able to heal myself from that betrayal/trauma. 

They had a chance to be kind and they chose to give me the silent treatment (my aunt) or scream and yell (my uncle) and honestly, they were not always horrible - they just made sure that I never knew when either of them was going to blow up, and to make sure that I was never really comfortable or relaxed. Personally, I need to make sense of that, heal that child that left home, because until I do that I will never let myself be that vulnerable to anyone new ever again. 

In the meantime, for all the Paddington Bears are out there**, and here's hoping that we, just like their Aunty asked us to,  Please look after this bear. Thank you.

*my uncle had a habit of collecting strays (whether or not they were strays) and my aunty had a habit of resenting every one of us and making sure that each one of us knew that we were not wanted there. They did it Boozo the dog, who ran away.. they did it me, who tried running away.. and then they also did it to my grandparents, who also ran away.. as long as they could, anyway.

**who are all those children in Gaza..