The overwhelm continues.

It is 2am and everyone is asleep, beautiful C at my feet, as always - gentle and present - how I love him.  He fills the silence with peace, with calm, a contented heart. The vague terrors of a curtain twitching or a darker shadow outside the window - they lose their hold. I am safe and I am happy and I am seen and I am loved- like I am with no one else ever. He knows that and I know that and hopefully that is enough. I will never be able to thank him enough for what he has meant to me, I will never be able to love him enough - but if there is any good in the Universe and I know there is - may That Power keep him and bless him. And bless me that I get to enjoy our time together for a bit longer yet. It amazes me that people don't see this - it's like someone sees these words and see no meaning just random patches of black and white. Oh well. 

It's 2 am and everyone is asleep, I am writing this blog, because the day hasn't worked out like it was meant to. I got my periods back after pregnancy - after 493 days tells my app - first time since April last year, and that sounds right. Thankfully my pain has gone from a solid 8 (out of 10) to a beautiful 2 (out of 10) - may that last! but I still needed to sleep during the day, so I did.. I wasn't able to take C out for walks - absolutely essential for him to lose the fluids in his belly - or feed him as often as he needed. I also was not able to sit down and focus enough to get anything done. When I did sit on the laptop, I was so overwhelmed that I wasted my time dreaming about a garden - essential but not urgent! (It's as if I can either take care of C or A or me - which is dumb, and I need to level up)  I looked up a way to do a brain dump of my to-do list and after wasting a bit more time because my desk looks like a bombs hit it and I need a pad not a notebook to make my list (??!) I have decided to write here - which honestly, is already helping.. 

And okay, here goes nothing:

• Write up for Lower Namoi 
• the documentation that is available is not the latest info, so I do the write up based on what's available with notes from the meeting. also, confirm that results with the science folks. mostly useful to set the format, the content will have to be updated. but also might not be able to be updated, in which case, it should reflect what we know above and beyond what is formally documented. 
• Photograph my desk for flex working arrangements
• this is the most fun thing ever. I like tidying my desk so it makes sense. I have things around to help me fix it. what is going on then!? I feel like I should go walk the dog? or listen to bub babbling away? or eat something? 
• I need to have a place for pens. A rough notepad for throw away notes. A proper diary for actual work, I think. My headphones. Hourglasses.
• The wires need to be sorted and put away. 
• The real dilemma is what do I with my chair and my walking treadmill. that is the real dilemma. Can be fixed last.
• Business case for 100pc work from home? 
• Plan my project deliverables 
• Another fun one, why am I not doing it? because I can never find the latest info without digging into strange chats!! why is info stored in chats - it isn't, but it is, if you know what i mean. 
• need a couple of documents and then it would be easy. what documents, you ask? well..
• the list of relevant units for my project.
• maybe whether these units have approved or so far unapproved information available. 
• the batch list that is going for submission - or which my relevant units are a subset.
• the list of relevant meetings that are being set. 

There are also home admin that I need to do.. and what I need for that is a place to write them up. As mummy has astutely noticed they happen when I write them down. 

hmm.. it is nearly 3am.. A will be about to wake up again. it was good getting this quiet time. hopefully i will get things done tomorrow and Sunday. and of course, Monday. without any further fancy to-do apps.