Time will pass anyway

• On Books

Just finished listening to Brene Brown's Strong Ground - apart from one thing that I didn't agree with* - I really enjoyed the book. She consults the companies at cutting edge technology and she is talking about what it takes to succeed in the current environment. I'll work on those skills. I'll also work on trying to get those things for Anagh - especially, reading books and playing in the wild. 

Currently listening to Jacinda Ardern's A Different Kind of Power and realising that all one can do is make the best next choice and have a vision and somehow the path will appear? being focused on the path is not very useful. Also, JA's father was born of his mother's extra-marital affair but his non-biological father loved him anyway - so apparently all families are odd, and if there is love, then it won't damage the children - Anagh will be okay.  

• On worrying about Anagh

In fact, Anagh would be more than okay.. What he needs is.. well, when I did the research before he was born - a loving family and money. Since he is born, he is surrounded by a loving family and gosh, if I am not working as hard as I possibly can to get more money into the house, I really don't know what more I can do. Perhaps visualisation. He is such a delightful baby - smart, alert, fun and loud! My mummy, his nani, gets most of the credit - she talked to him so much!! His nana, my papa, spoils him! I adore him and his extended family, including my friends, have continued to visit him since he's been born.   

• Who owes whom any loyalty at work? And what does that look like?

Who's batting for me? Who is in the room, leaving it open for me to enter? Who is making sure that I get mentored and coached so when I do enter the room, I don't embarrass them. Maybe no one does that for the women - I am reminded of what Meera said, Alex believes everyone must do the grind-work (I think she used a different word and I will put it in if I remember it) before they get an opportunity. But I need to bat for me, I need to push the doors open, I need to make sure I don't embarrass me. I think Mandy will get her 250k+ package at the Council. She didn't anyone batting for her. But she does conduct well and she does not embarrass herself. 

I sent an email to our CEO Andrew, basically calling out what I thought was wrong with our project - the goals were not clear, aligned and agreed upon at the GM level. And one of the reasons for that was  they weren't sure what they could deliver on. Project Management was crap. I have been thinking about this email in terms of what I read in Brene Brown's book. And also why I wrote it? what did I hope to achieve? Well - in terms of Strong Ground - I was tying to be above the line. Venting comes easier, but I really was trying to be above the line - curious and learn but also speak up - the best thing I can hope is to actually learn what the fuck happened? The worst, people will get defensive and pissed off at me. mandy sent me a lovely text - you are going piss people off - either you will piss other people off or you will piss yourself off by being small and not even trying to get answers.   

• On shopping and money

Consider this - I have a budget of  $1500 per fortnight for everything apart from my mortgage. I have just spent $1200 on a new mattress, $600 on a toys subscription for Anagh - that to be honest i would have paid for anyway - but have now pre-paid at a 25% discount, and $300 on 5 pants for myself. I really needed pants because I can't keep wearing maternity pants all the time. 

In hindsight, I think my fitness would have suffered less if I had got my reformer earlier. 

• On giving the people you love and who love you, the benefit of the doubt

This is a hard one -  it is so much easier to assume thoughtlessness and lack of care, than to, you know assume that maybe this was the best they were capable of - when people don't do what you are asking them to. I have had a morning with Papa.. will look at his phone while sitting in the car (yesterday was driving so badly - breaking and accelerating) won't sit for coffee, won't actually walk with us while shopping and won't drop at the train station when it was literally a minute away. I could have tried to remember all the good things he does, rather I have been really hurt and upset with him.. 

• On visualisation and manifestation

Still working on this. 

*she said something about participation award not being good enough. it is good enough, it has to be good enough - you can only dare greatly if you know that failing is an option. if failing is not an option, you will play safe, or remain frozen, or be reckless. you can only be vulnerable if you know that what you are risking is the ice-cream, not the meal on the table. participation award is good enough. you had a vision and you tried - in an honest and ethical way - that is all I can and will ask of you. Now, brush yourself off, learn what you can from the experience and start again. Time will pass anyway..