Thoughts

Claire has a way of making everyone in the room feel more stupid - and it's not because she is smart, it's because she speaks in a way that is unclear but her tone is like what she is saying is obvious. 

I was looking at my history of job applications and maybe I do need to leave MDBA.. I really really want to.

I took Chicory off my wall papers on my phone - nearly 6 months on and it struck me suddenly while driving the car alone that he will never again be my co-pilot and I will never get to hug him again and I realised that I can't keep the grief so fresh - I think he needs to be able to go as well.. 

My wall paper now says, 'It is already yours - Universe' - which is good because I don't know how I

• will return the money I owe Tanu $20k and Mama $15k
• will get a promotion at work
• have a garden like I want it
• have financial security like I want it
• get fit again - I am currently carrying at least 30k of fat and got pelvic girdle issues and a core that feels like water..  
• have a partner? the kind I want? this seems particularly impossible right now.. like not only do I not know how to do this, it is way too late and just impossible for such a person to exist.. where as other things feel really really hard. 

Anagh is teething, he is an absolute champ... I am trying to find rest where I can, and so is Mummy.. and so is Papa.. Christmas break was good but very tiring. I don't think Bhai really understands how short of cash I am, and Mummy really drove me up the wall by insisting that I pay every time I am I was around. And Vicky and Roopam and their 20 dollar presents! I mean fuck off arseholes! I don't know why I expect them to do better.. it's not like they are filling my treasure troves, it won't really make any difference.. I don't need their gifts.. 

Madhu Didi and Rajinder Jajaji are visiting in Feb, I think.. Tanu is coming for a weekend in Feb as well.. and then, Daddyji is coming for longer.. and just that fact feels very tiring. Nobody is feeling at home.. I hope Anagh is feeling at home.