I am currently fixated with an idea - currently, as in, for the past 3 days - before that it existed as a "well, maybe, we'll see, it looks nice but really what do I know*" kind of a thought and it has, in sickness**, really come to fore and I NEED to get it back in size.
The problem with a thought like this is that it clouds my judgement and it clouds my senses - the world appears thru a prism of my desire; I stop seeing things as they are, i start responding to the world thru the prism of my desire rather than that of my values and clear vision. I have repeatedly spoken about my hatred for fear - it is irrational, this complete dislike of fear - who knows, fear might actually have some value - as in, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. A strong desire leads to fear, fear of failure or loss - and I don't like fear.
So, does that mean that I will live life without a goal? Considering how Swami Chinmayananda says that a goal can transform a something to a giant among men - that would be a huge loss. But are all goals equal? Each action, says Swami Nikhalananda, has two impacts - one on ourselves and the other on the world. If we function to change the world, the impact is fraught with danger, because we might or might not be successful... but if we function to have an impact on us, our inner selves, even when we fail, we succeed. Thus, the action being the same, the focus of our mind can be different. The mind can either rely on a success defined in the future, or the mind can rely on the state of mind itself while functioning. One of the best example really does come from sports, to play good sports, we have to be present in this very moment - all my practise and all my goals, all the past and all the future is in this moment. There is a continuum - like music, this moment is complete and yet in complete harmony with the past and the future. Once one realises that happiness is complete and ever present, the world does become a sport - a gymnasium for the mind, says Swami Vivekananda. Once we believe it to be a sport, like tennis or soccer, we bring ourselves to the present - because that seems like the main requisite for playing a game - and then we find that we are here for a purpose, that at any moment life expects something of us, if only we are present to pay attention to it. And when we pay attention to it, and play in harmony with Life, the randomness reduces, the efficiency increases, we become more attuned to the what is, as opposed to, what our desires and dislikes are projecting. In short, we get an answer for why are we here - and we play the best game we are capable of. And we play with the humility, that we are only one part of the game, but also that whatever happens, it is only a game and we are safe, our happiness (the thing we long for most) is as close to us as the awareness that we exist - the one and only thing we can be sure of.
and so, i will try and come back to this moment (as Swami Nikhilananda says, we are so busy remembering or imagining our lives that we don't actually live it) and try and be here-now.
**i was in bed for 2 days due to sheer fatigue