Apart from the fact that rejection feels pretty horrid at a deep subconscious level, apart from the months that i spent in utter confusion hoping that thing works out and daring not to count on it, apart from the complete lack of respect that one human can expect from another with whom such close bonds were shared, apart from utter shock of realising the flimsiness of words that people utter - what has cracked open is the confidence that things will be fine. It is, of course, too painful to think that things wouldn't be fine, so I am still in some kind of a suspension of belief, putting these questions away till I find something that confirms that yes, tomorrow will be better than today, and hence I must live and strive for and be available for that tomorrow.
But even when things are looking so gloomy - there is a part of me that is acknowledging that the present is okay - the sun shines, the trees are beautiful, people care (not hugely, not as much as i would have previously expected, but not as little as i now expect), there are choices I have which are full of potential - if not promise. But there is something more, and infinitely more interesting - i have never been more aware of my unconscious brain - when i have logically come to a conclusion to only realise that my mind is perhaps a beast in itself and it is not willing to accept my word for it; i have never been more aware of the patterns of nature and how deeply I am influenced by them - the time of the day can be more strong than any resolution that i have made to remain cheerful... I think it is only when things are stressed that we realise how strong they truly are - how far they can keep going before breaking into something different altogether - this awareness about me is, if nothing else, fascinating.
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