I was thinking yesterday that since i am not a parent, now is perhaps the best time to at least think about some mottos that I will follow as a parent*, and these three came to mind:
- you may do whatever you choose, but you will come home and tell me about it and if you tell me about it yourself you will not be in trouble;
- i will not get too happy when you succeed or too unhappy when you fail; but i will enjoy it most when you enjoyed yourself in doing the best you possibly could! i'll be thrilled beyond words if you learn to live integrity, when you do some things just because you believe them to be right or because you have taken responsibility for them;
- and something about habits - there are some good habits and some bad habits; and good habits are incredibly helpful and bad habits are an absolute pain in the #%#$#
but being parent is a subset of being a human being, which is also a superset of being a partner. I've realised of all relationships I find being a friend and a sibling easy; with both of these, you give them a whole lot of benefit of the doubt and you receive a whole lot of benefit of the doubt, and you really really enjoy that they are kind and brilliant and they know you really well and they enjoy knowing you that well and that's pretty much it.
Being a partner, i am realising, is a bit difficult. You are, even when not physically, then emotionally so much in each other's space - boy oh boy, it matter hugely to me exactly who you are and what you think and what you do; and I have to with my eyes and heart open walk into that life. I'll have to share my pets, my room, my babies with you and possibly your family. I do not know how to be kind when I am in such a vulnerable place myself, I do not know how to be self respecting and respecting you when we both disagree on exactly what to do at the same time, when you and I don't look at things the same way, and when i have not known you enough to understand your language or worse trust your values.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
- you may do whatever you choose, but you will come home and tell me about it and if you tell me about it yourself you will not be in trouble;
- i will not get too happy when you succeed or too unhappy when you fail; but i will enjoy it most when you enjoyed yourself in doing the best you possibly could! i'll be thrilled beyond words if you learn to live integrity, when you do some things just because you believe them to be right or because you have taken responsibility for them;
- and something about habits - there are some good habits and some bad habits; and good habits are incredibly helpful and bad habits are an absolute pain in the #%#$#
but being parent is a subset of being a human being, which is also a superset of being a partner. I've realised of all relationships I find being a friend and a sibling easy; with both of these, you give them a whole lot of benefit of the doubt and you receive a whole lot of benefit of the doubt, and you really really enjoy that they are kind and brilliant and they know you really well and they enjoy knowing you that well and that's pretty much it.
Being a partner, i am realising, is a bit difficult. You are, even when not physically, then emotionally so much in each other's space - boy oh boy, it matter hugely to me exactly who you are and what you think and what you do; and I have to with my eyes and heart open walk into that life. I'll have to share my pets, my room, my babies with you and possibly your family. I do not know how to be kind when I am in such a vulnerable place myself, I do not know how to be self respecting and respecting you when we both disagree on exactly what to do at the same time, when you and I don't look at things the same way, and when i have not known you enough to understand your language or worse trust your values.
* one of my friends had this Khalil Gibran poem as her guiding idea of being a mum,
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
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