The first year of the fourth decade is just about up

I was thinking the other day about the decades in my life. And I realised that none of them have turned out to be anything like I expected, partly because they were surprising and partly because until my 30th birthday, decades just seemed too big that happened very rarely and I was focusing on the next year or more likely the next exam, the next deadline or the next results/outcome. 

As I am doing now, I am waiting to hear whether I will get leave without pay approval to work at a very interesting role at the ACT Government. I should learn to trust the Universe, and focus on doing the best of things that I can do now, but I am buzzing and agitated and getting sick and generally being unproductive. I feel bad about that, and regret begets more regret - all the people and opportunities I took for granted. 

I recently bought myself a Garmin watch* that measures heart rate and pace and cadence and all that jazz when I go for a run. I try to go for a 20-40 min run three times a week. Then I got Covid, and between a viral infection and lockdown (i.e., not even stepping out of the door, for people reading 10 years from now and hoping with all my heart that they need this clarification)  my fitness dropped. How significantly was only clear to me when I realised that I had worked harder (higher heart rate) to achieve less (lower cadence, pace and distance). The sickness and the loss of fitness was almost worth that lesson. It reinforced what my body knew to be true - I am doing my best and my best is enough. My best runs do not happen when I tell myself that 'I am strong' or to be honest anything else - they happen when I tell myself that I am doing my best and my best is enough. There is a dissipation of energy with everything else that doesn't happen when you stick to this mantra - there is a kindness and a confidence that brings you in the moment and takes you in the zone - whether or not you achieve the distance and cadence and pace that you had hoped for. And really if distance and cadence and pace is what you are really after in a run, you might as well take a car**. 

Why do I run - I started so that I could be fit and do things, like walk when I needed to and ride a bike when I needed to, and because I wanted to fit in my old clothes. I still run because of all those reasons but  mostly I run because it helps me sleep better at night. The same reason I write this, and the same reason that I can't wait to do pottery again. Because all of these things help my mind to get a grip and stop it skidding like a car skidding down the street with run down breaks and smooth tires on wet road on a rainy day.  

   

*Forerunner 935

** Paraphrasing the pottery teacher (Ian Jones from the https://www.oldsaintlukesstudio.com.au/)  I had a wonderful time with, who said if perfect ceramic plates is what you want, you need to only step into IKEA.