My series on showing, not telling, about overwhelm continues

Any post like this feels terrible, because "kaam ki fikr kar, fikr ka zikr kar" worry about the work and talk about the worry isn't a particularly useful way to progress things.

I wish I felt as competent about my career as Parul does about what being a doctor or, since you don't know my cousin and haven't heard her talk about how being a obstetrician/gynaecologist is her safe and happy place, I wish I felt as competent and productive about my career as Neil Gaiman is a story teller/writer! I am lost, I do not know what I am talking about and I am procrastinating because making progress is hard, and being bad at things that you are getting paid for is also hard. And then you feel so bad about yourself that it wastes a lot of energy, and is very distracting and so you find yourself writing a blog post every two days to calm yourself down, and so that you don't off to day dream about all the other things that you want to progress - but can't because you are behind work and haven't had enough energy since getting Covid and all subsequent infections since then!

The news from the world is rather depressing at the moment that due to the sad fact some people only feel powerful when they can control what other people can do (banning abortions in US, forcing hijabs by beating women to death in Iran, Russian attack on Ukraine) or by feeling like they got away with something by getting more than they need or deserve (the whole fiasco in UK due to greed, including Brexit)

I am also wondering if I should apply to an EL1 position at the MDBA or continue where I am. Kuan was talking about how he hates applying for jobs, he said that was due to ADHD and I was wondering why would any sane person like to spend hours in justifying to people why they are amazing for a job and then put themselves out there to be judged and potentially rejected? it is only because they want something more than they hate the process. Anyho, I like the idea that the world is full of adults and I do not have to parent anyone, unless they actively ask me for advice. :) 

Anyho, anyho, I have now wasted hours and I am about to take C out for a walk (because it is noon and he is insisting for one probably because he needs to poo) and so the easy and the urgent take priority over everything difficult... but I will figure this out. I will find my way out. hard as it is to believe - I *am* doing my best. and my best *is* enough.