My brother is the first-born, and I think first-born children give birth to parents - before that child was born the parent was an another adult. The younger child, that would be me, is an also - they are a lot of fun, they are a pain in the butt but they are not the person whose arrival changed everything. And they know it. I know it. Of course everything changed when I left home, and my mum and my dad hated it - but it surprised me. I have known all my life that I am incredibly loved, I am the proverbial cherry on top of the ice-cream, and that I am as inconsequential as the cherry on top of the ice-cream. It is a feeling that is really hard to shake. Anyway, also being single for so long - I don't have a strong sense of responsibility or consequence. I somehow go thru life like a field mouse, not shaking the grass*. Perhaps, I actually don't but I feel like I do.
(And well, for my sins, when I got my first job, my Uncle told me that I got it because I was lucky, not because I had completed a PhD** on scholarship within 4 years and had successfully ran a conference as a volunteer, all the while dropping my primary school going cousin to school every morning and picking him up half of the week as well., but because they needed to meet the gender balance and I got lucky. It didn't help that I had a god-awful miserable manager and who wanted to clone and hire himself and instead got me.) This would have been nothing except that it strengthened a mean voice in my head - what does it matter, its not like anybody expects/relies me to do much anyway***. To give him credit, when I told my brother this, he said my uncle was an idiot and I should ignore when people talk about rubbish.
Anyway, that was a really long preamble to say that my brother works really hard, is smart and good, leads a big team at work and I trust him to give me good advice. So when he heard (via Mum) that I was having a hard time at work recently what with being so sick that I spent an entire day reading a report and not understanding a word of it (it was insane that the same report made sense in less than 10 minutes the next day), and then being so new that everything has been taking much longer to do anyway, he told me to put 20 minute timers and just focus for 20 minutes at a time. and if that is hard put a 10 minute timer, and if that is also hard, just put a 5 minute timer. No shame in putting a 5 minute timer. After wasting yesterday putting 20 minute timers and not getting anywhere with them, today I tried 5 minute timers - and I could focus for 5 minutes.
And it made me think, there is no shame is being where we are, there can be no shame is being where we are. If we can't even be curious about where we are (without judgement ie beating ourselves up about it) how will we ever find the head-space to navigate our way to anywhere else? And if we consider that careers are marathons, not sprints, then an occasional bad day might not be such a big deal after all.
So here is to 5 minute timers!! And good siblings!! And being curious about the voices in your head and owning your story so you can change it!! Here is to life, love and being a force for good!!
And the days are not full enough
And the nights are not full enough
And life slips by like a field mouse
Not shaking the grass.
** PhDs had a completion rate of 2% when I was a student.
*** This voice is such a strong part of me that when I write a really important report I tell myself that I am writing a draft.
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