Z once said that feeling guilty is part of being a parent; I think it comes with loving people - sometimes we fail to be the best we want to be, the best we are capable of being - sometimes we can't even figure out how we have failed ourselves - but when we love, we strive to live our best possible self*, and hence we grow. In selfishness, we live for our desires and our best ideals are are limited by what we can want, and hence we implode.
It is my grandmother's birthday today, and I think she is brilliant. She retired many years ago and she is not very well these days, she walks slower and hears a bit loud. But she has this wonderful life giving faith in something that keeps her safe from fear, uncontrolable agitation and unkindness. I met her this weekend, and she spoke about a lot of things - about how the world was when she was a young bride, about how she met my grandfather with whom she has spent 60 years and nearly all of her adult life. She spoke about dying - she said it wasn't anything to fear, nor to await as an escape from health problems; that it might be something that may come in 10 days or 10 years. I have heard these words before but I have never heard them in a way that took away that abstract other-ness of death and gave peace, even to me. and somehow, as i think of all this, i feel miserable that i did not do enough for someone who has been such a source of strength for me, but i'll lean into it - i promise i'll lean into it!
*ooh, 'shouldn't have lost my temper' or 'should have been efficient and found time to listen to them' or 'should have been a better example' or 'should have helped them take care of themselves' and so on...
It is my grandmother's birthday today, and I think she is brilliant. She retired many years ago and she is not very well these days, she walks slower and hears a bit loud. But she has this wonderful life giving faith in something that keeps her safe from fear, uncontrolable agitation and unkindness. I met her this weekend, and she spoke about a lot of things - about how the world was when she was a young bride, about how she met my grandfather with whom she has spent 60 years and nearly all of her adult life. She spoke about dying - she said it wasn't anything to fear, nor to await as an escape from health problems; that it might be something that may come in 10 days or 10 years. I have heard these words before but I have never heard them in a way that took away that abstract other-ness of death and gave peace, even to me. and somehow, as i think of all this, i feel miserable that i did not do enough for someone who has been such a source of strength for me, but i'll lean into it - i promise i'll lean into it!
*ooh, 'shouldn't have lost my temper' or 'should have been efficient and found time to listen to them' or 'should have been a better example' or 'should have helped them take care of themselves' and so on...
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