Wednesday 14 November 2018

No Feeling is Final

1. There is a story I tell myself about my life:


The people I studied and grew up with have gone on to buy houses and have babies who turned into toddlers who have now turned into primary school kids about to start middle school. I am pretty much where I was when I left uni.
The people I joined work with have gone on to get a few promotions. I am pretty much where I was when I first joined.
The people I worked on projects with (and here I am fairly convinced we did pretty much a similar amount of work) have gone on to get a couple of promotions. I am pretty much where I was when I was working on those projects with me.
Housemates, ex-partners, and everyone else have gone on to have issues, and overcome issues and - and I feel like I am exactly where I always was!


I can't even seem to be able to leave Canberra, or stop being a fucking number cruncher. I don't even so much as get a bonus or a pat on my back!! (nor does anyone else in my team, but that is not part of my story!)


2. I was at this meeting, where someone was getting frustrated at me and I remember about 2 other people smiling at me - their expressions were identical, so I suspect they were mirroring me, but I cannot remember what I was looking like/feeling - was I amused by the unreasonable frustration or was I hurt by it? it is an interesting puzzle and I don't think anyone else remembers it now, or cared about it then!


3. When the sun shines, when it feels like nothing is happening, that is when the clouds are being made, the rain just happens!!   


4. But while right now, frustration is what I am feeling... no feeling is final.

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